Mommy Issues?

ok...so.... you know how when a younger girl is with an older man, ppl say that she must have daddy issues?... well... the game must have mommy issues because his fiance/girlfriend/baby's mom/gave back the ring but wants him to give it back sometime soon.... looks OLD AS SHIT! she has to be at least 10 years older than him.. and that's me being nice. the cake face should be buying her a few years, not adding on decades. she looks old, dresses like an older woman, speaks like a (ghetto) older woman and there's nothing wrong with cougaring it up... but the bullshit they go through... the chasing after a rappin ass, ex gang bangin ass nigga such as the game is just a bit... immature? for someone of her age. ilk. I don't like an over abundance of wrinkles on a lady's face ESPECIALLY SO of she can afford the botox/ expensive creams and treatments it takes to not have them. reg'la' bitches get a pass for their wrinkled asses. when it comes down to it, Tiff needs to act her act her age (since she refuses to hide it) and stop chasin thugs. thee end

As a Result of My Last Post...

I just got back from a 35/ 40 minute power walk around my neighborhood while pushing my 2 littles in the sit and stand stroller... I feel like a winner! I had my fast-paced techno music, my leggings and shirt long enough to cover my mishapen ass, my reebok easy tones and my high bun... needless to say, this is a less than glamourous endevor.... unless you're in myhead! the plain jane streets of my neighborhood are transformed into something out of a music video and all the cars driving by are filled with ppl checking me out and wondering who this fabulous and gorgeous young thang is walking down these streets!... and they're also wondering y i'm even working out because I obviously am naturally in amazing shape... I must be walking for fun... or maybe i'm practicing for the runway, since i'm obviously a model. and wait.. does she have kids???... no, nobody can see the big ass stroller i'm pushing because it doesn't exist, in my head. i'm simply a young and beautiful lady walking to the veat of muaic that everyone can hear and then there is a dance break and- cut to real life and me panting like i've run 7 miles and my 2-year-old yelling "momma it's a mail! get the mail! while pointing at... EVRY MAILBOX ON EVERY STREET!!! so yea, I went for a walk and now I don't know how i'll get thru the next few hours until these beasts go to sleep.i also can't promise that I won't eat cake.. or cookies... or frosting... also, I need a shower...this was a bad idea.

The Beach Is Calling My Name!!!... Oh wait...

so... 11.5 months ago, I had a fabulous baby gitl right? and I was all kinds of convinced that, by now, i'd be skinny and hot and back to my hot self... well, i've learned a few lessons this year.. 1. doughnuts, candy, honey buns, cakes, cookies, pies, ribs, cheese grits, quesadillas, burritos chips and reece's peanutbutter crunch paired with sporatice and inconsistant workouts makes for.... SOME STRAIGHT UP BULLSHIT!!! i'm not big... i'm only 5 pounds shy of what I weight in high school... but NOTHING about this body looks like a high school student. things are... lumpier and... have more movement than they used to. POOP ON THAT!!! in june, I was so serious about getting hot by august... and then I realized that it was the end of july and all I had accomplished was discovering new favorite snacks and how much I can't live without soda. ha! but i'm not big so sheeeeit! the beach is calling my name!!!.... oh wait.. oh.. oh no no no! I am one of those ppl I talk mad shit about.. if I come out of these here homemade cut-off shorts... so, monday, I said "it's not too late!" and woke up early to go walking around the hood with my sit and stand bently. I felt so good! I just knew that results were already visible!.... cut to me frowning at my reflexion in the bathroom with my leggings at my knees... I ate a slice of cake to ease the pain. ha! tuesday came and.... went. yea, I didn't make it... to the sidewalk. but I DID... drink two glasses of coke. fml! this morning, wednesday, I woke up and said "we are going for a walk as soon as I drink this coffee!" this was followed by "it's fuckin hot already!... I need to do something about my hair... i'll put the twists in!" (i recently fell in and out and back in love with marley twists)... " that didn't work out.. ok.. well.. fml!... i'm gonna wait til later to go for a walk. the sun won't be attacking me then." that's where i'm at right now... i'm also planning to do crunches... soon.. real soon. let's see how this goes... smh oh wait, there was supposed to be a few lessons learned here... um... lesson number 2' I like snacks more than working out. 3. wearing the right clothes can make ppl think that u look amazing and 4.... i'm horrible

Did I die or Something???

The other day I was at Walmart aka Hell, and I realized that the hotmessery that was going on made me want to conduct a blogatory blast and then... it hit me... i haven't blogged about foolery in like 78 years! Did I die or Something??? When the fuck did I get the memo that it's ok for me to just neglect my favorite means of talkin madd shit son? Anyhoo... That terrible place and the muffin tops, fupas, dirty kids and slow-moving old ppl have long gone from my memory... well.. i went to target to get my mind off of the horrible possibilities of a stroll thru walmart. Now i'm onto more important issues... so, i recently had a baby right?... a girl one this time... and, although i never knew i could be this way, i've become this pink, bow, tutu loving freak who cannot fathom my little princess out and about without an amazingly cute outfit on... or at least a fairly cute outfit with a bow on her pretty little head. so.... here's the thing... my baby looks like a girl, even without the bow... but some baby girls don't... Cut to me in the elevator of the mall with my toddler man at my side and my princess facing outward in her baby bjorn... a woman gets on right after us pushing an empty stroller with one hand and holding a child on the oposite hip... she says "oh look (insert unisex baby name here)! look at the pretty baby! say ba-by.." the kid's like a year old... approaching 2 maybe? kind of tall foe that age, but not talking and not coordinated well enough to be any older. (yes i judge ppl and their children on things such as motor skills, speech and overall appearance). i'm working on being a less horrible person, so i smile at the baby and then i notice that he's wearing a multi-colored striped shirt... and one of the colors is pink. wtf?! y would u put that on ur little boy??? the pink wasn't dominant, but so what?! then we get to the little play area (because in oc a lot of moms don't work so they need play areas everywhere, including the fucking shopping mall... which works for me in this case so let's just glaze over that...) and the little boy is 1. taller than i thought and better not be too far past a year old with those wobbly walking skills, and 2. totally wearing a pair of royal blue jeggings!!!!!!!! no! NO!... i think u see where i'm going with this... he's a fucking girl! a bald-headed ass little girl! and altho i get that some babies don't get a lot of hair in their early years, U BETTER PUT A BOW ON THAT MUTHA FUCKA! a bow, a headband, some barrets, a fuckin lace-front.. i don't care! ur baby's bald and looks like a.... baby.. no sex... put something on her head that keeps her from looking like the youngest contestant on ru paul's drag race! i know, i know, the pink in the shirt, the dumb ass pants... NOT ENOUGH! if u have a t-shirt and jeans (no matter what color) on ur bald little girl, she will look like a girly boy.. and that ain't coo. get it together ppl!

Yea... so... i never really liked old ppl right?...

ok... so... i took the longest maternity leave in history right? i was gone for a year and 2 months... honestly, i didn't wanna come back but my body wasn't quite pole-ready, if u know what i mean. so i'm back in effect. straightening and organizing and doing what i do best... be awesome. there's a new guy who's in charge of the financial stuff and i was ensured that i would "love" him.... but he's old as fuck so that's strike 1. older? ok, not so bad. old as fuck? no... not my cup of tea. old ass men are usually douche bags and old ass women r either the best or the fuckin worst. aaaaaanyhoo. i get here and he's fairly nice.

so... about a week in, i realize that he has a way of asking me to do things or just a way of speaking to me that suggests that he thinks i'm brand new to this whole extra tough job of maintaining an office. (sarcasm. this shit is cake.) so, i'm thinking that maybe i'm trippin and i'm just having my guard up cuz he's old and i hate old ppl. but then he does things like asks me to do something on the computer and then stands looking over my shoulder as if i need to be supervised. also, he uses my desk as a place to think of his next move. like.... u have an office! a whole office! wtf r u doing right now?! he also forgets things and has on 2 occasions now, tried to blame me for things that he's forgotten or lost.

now, my other bosses have occasionally looked over my shoulder while i do something to see what steps i'm taking to get something done... usually because when i'm not here they don't wanna be lost and calling me for directions. but this fuckin guy!
idk if he's hypoglycemic or something, but he's constantly snacking on something in his office and he comes over to my desk to look over my shoulder and finalize his swallowing of these snacks in my fucking ear!!!! i must make this clear to everyone...
I HATE MOUTH NOISES!!!!! i hate to hear ppl chew, i hate smacking, i hate the sound of swallowing, i hate to hear ur tounge move around in ur mouth!!! he kills it!!! he comes over and in between words he's swallowing and just... UGH!!!! if u swallowed it, it's gone! if it's not gone, try eating less solids.

SOMEONE PUT THIS FUCKIN GUY IN A HOME AND REMOVE HIM FROM MY LIFE, DESK, PERSONAL SPACE FOREVER!!!!

so... i make great decisions right?... riiiight.

so, those of u who know me know that i'm currently planning my do-over wedding and i'm super excited about it. got my dress, almost decided on a venue, know what i want it to look like, yadda yadda yadda ( love that episode of seinfeld). so, the biggest deal for me was being skinny. my baby is 15 months now, he'd be over 2 years old by the time the wedding comes so i'd be skinny and be ok with leaving the kiddies for a few days alone with my honey..... so..... yea.... i done fucked it up yall.
I'M GOT DAMN PREGNANT AGAIN!!! and i refuse to change the date of my wedding because i'm a stubborn whore and so now i have only a few months to get myself to a spectacular size cuz I WILL NOT BE FAT AT MY OWN WEDDING! everyone shall gaze upon me and love my dress, my hair, my makeup, my reception dress, my shoes and most of all HOW MUTHA FUCKIN FAST I LOST THE BABY WEIGHT! and after what? say what? yea bitches, 3 kids. i can't really get into anything right now, but all i can say is IT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN! i also want u all to know that if i am not as successful as i'd like to be, i will be removing this blog post so there is no real proof that talked this much shit about how fantastically hot i'm gonna be.

so... yea... me, pregnant, gettin fly within a few months to be the most amazingly gorgeous bride u ever did see, and talkin shit to anyone who doubts me... unless ur right, in which case i will be hiding the evidence of said shit talking.

HAHAHAHAHA!... yea, that's a bit of a problem.

so i've already shared my experience with my friend fuckin a comic strip character right? right. well, apparently, she brings her friend along to their.... meetings, and she's "fuckin hot" too. i beg to differ before i ever get stuck meeting this one.
so... i can't remember the main chick's name because... ew. but the friends name won't leave me.... get ready for it...

VASH. this bitch's name is vash! short for something. what? idk. but i've decided to experiment with the possibilities of a hoodrat with a nigga name. here we go.....

Vashinay Vashonica
Vashinetta Vashelle
Vashinista Vashua
Vashonne Vashillian
Vashiqua Vashennifer
Vashita Vashavia
Vasheline Vashentha
Vashonte Vashenthia
Vashilla Vashitha
Vashica
Vashoray

i feel like this could go on for way too long. ppl... no

PEOPLE!!! PLEASE DON'T NAME YOUR KIDS THINGS THAT ARE STUPID. THERE ARE UNIQUE NAMES THAT DON'T CAUSE PEOPLE TO POST BLOGS ABOUT HOW FOOLISH THEY ARE.

..... and if you still wanna name your kid something totally horrible, be my guest and take one of these many gems.

This is what i can't help but picture when i hear this girl's name.... is this what u really want to come to mind when ppl hear ur kid's name?