Did I die or Something???

The other day I was at Walmart aka Hell, and I realized that the hotmessery that was going on made me want to conduct a blogatory blast and then... it hit me... i haven't blogged about foolery in like 78 years! Did I die or Something??? When the fuck did I get the memo that it's ok for me to just neglect my favorite means of talkin madd shit son? Anyhoo... That terrible place and the muffin tops, fupas, dirty kids and slow-moving old ppl have long gone from my memory... well.. i went to target to get my mind off of the horrible possibilities of a stroll thru walmart. Now i'm onto more important issues... so, i recently had a baby right?... a girl one this time... and, although i never knew i could be this way, i've become this pink, bow, tutu loving freak who cannot fathom my little princess out and about without an amazingly cute outfit on... or at least a fairly cute outfit with a bow on her pretty little head. so.... here's the thing... my baby looks like a girl, even without the bow... but some baby girls don't... Cut to me in the elevator of the mall with my toddler man at my side and my princess facing outward in her baby bjorn... a woman gets on right after us pushing an empty stroller with one hand and holding a child on the oposite hip... she says "oh look (insert unisex baby name here)! look at the pretty baby! say ba-by.." the kid's like a year old... approaching 2 maybe? kind of tall foe that age, but not talking and not coordinated well enough to be any older. (yes i judge ppl and their children on things such as motor skills, speech and overall appearance). i'm working on being a less horrible person, so i smile at the baby and then i notice that he's wearing a multi-colored striped shirt... and one of the colors is pink. wtf?! y would u put that on ur little boy??? the pink wasn't dominant, but so what?! then we get to the little play area (because in oc a lot of moms don't work so they need play areas everywhere, including the fucking shopping mall... which works for me in this case so let's just glaze over that...) and the little boy is 1. taller than i thought and better not be too far past a year old with those wobbly walking skills, and 2. totally wearing a pair of royal blue jeggings!!!!!!!! no! NO!... i think u see where i'm going with this... he's a fucking girl! a bald-headed ass little girl! and altho i get that some babies don't get a lot of hair in their early years, U BETTER PUT A BOW ON THAT MUTHA FUCKA! a bow, a headband, some barrets, a fuckin lace-front.. i don't care! ur baby's bald and looks like a.... baby.. no sex... put something on her head that keeps her from looking like the youngest contestant on ru paul's drag race! i know, i know, the pink in the shirt, the dumb ass pants... NOT ENOUGH! if u have a t-shirt and jeans (no matter what color) on ur bald little girl, she will look like a girly boy.. and that ain't coo. get it together ppl!

Yea... so... i never really liked old ppl right?...

ok... so... i took the longest maternity leave in history right? i was gone for a year and 2 months... honestly, i didn't wanna come back but my body wasn't quite pole-ready, if u know what i mean. so i'm back in effect. straightening and organizing and doing what i do best... be awesome. there's a new guy who's in charge of the financial stuff and i was ensured that i would "love" him.... but he's old as fuck so that's strike 1. older? ok, not so bad. old as fuck? no... not my cup of tea. old ass men are usually douche bags and old ass women r either the best or the fuckin worst. aaaaaanyhoo. i get here and he's fairly nice.

so... about a week in, i realize that he has a way of asking me to do things or just a way of speaking to me that suggests that he thinks i'm brand new to this whole extra tough job of maintaining an office. (sarcasm. this shit is cake.) so, i'm thinking that maybe i'm trippin and i'm just having my guard up cuz he's old and i hate old ppl. but then he does things like asks me to do something on the computer and then stands looking over my shoulder as if i need to be supervised. also, he uses my desk as a place to think of his next move. like.... u have an office! a whole office! wtf r u doing right now?! he also forgets things and has on 2 occasions now, tried to blame me for things that he's forgotten or lost.

now, my other bosses have occasionally looked over my shoulder while i do something to see what steps i'm taking to get something done... usually because when i'm not here they don't wanna be lost and calling me for directions. but this fuckin guy!
idk if he's hypoglycemic or something, but he's constantly snacking on something in his office and he comes over to my desk to look over my shoulder and finalize his swallowing of these snacks in my fucking ear!!!! i must make this clear to everyone...
I HATE MOUTH NOISES!!!!! i hate to hear ppl chew, i hate smacking, i hate the sound of swallowing, i hate to hear ur tounge move around in ur mouth!!! he kills it!!! he comes over and in between words he's swallowing and just... UGH!!!! if u swallowed it, it's gone! if it's not gone, try eating less solids.

SOMEONE PUT THIS FUCKIN GUY IN A HOME AND REMOVE HIM FROM MY LIFE, DESK, PERSONAL SPACE FOREVER!!!!

so... i make great decisions right?... riiiight.

so, those of u who know me know that i'm currently planning my do-over wedding and i'm super excited about it. got my dress, almost decided on a venue, know what i want it to look like, yadda yadda yadda ( love that episode of seinfeld). so, the biggest deal for me was being skinny. my baby is 15 months now, he'd be over 2 years old by the time the wedding comes so i'd be skinny and be ok with leaving the kiddies for a few days alone with my honey..... so..... yea.... i done fucked it up yall.
I'M GOT DAMN PREGNANT AGAIN!!! and i refuse to change the date of my wedding because i'm a stubborn whore and so now i have only a few months to get myself to a spectacular size cuz I WILL NOT BE FAT AT MY OWN WEDDING! everyone shall gaze upon me and love my dress, my hair, my makeup, my reception dress, my shoes and most of all HOW MUTHA FUCKIN FAST I LOST THE BABY WEIGHT! and after what? say what? yea bitches, 3 kids. i can't really get into anything right now, but all i can say is IT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN! i also want u all to know that if i am not as successful as i'd like to be, i will be removing this blog post so there is no real proof that talked this much shit about how fantastically hot i'm gonna be.

so... yea... me, pregnant, gettin fly within a few months to be the most amazingly gorgeous bride u ever did see, and talkin shit to anyone who doubts me... unless ur right, in which case i will be hiding the evidence of said shit talking.

HAHAHAHAHA!... yea, that's a bit of a problem.

so i've already shared my experience with my friend fuckin a comic strip character right? right. well, apparently, she brings her friend along to their.... meetings, and she's "fuckin hot" too. i beg to differ before i ever get stuck meeting this one.
so... i can't remember the main chick's name because... ew. but the friends name won't leave me.... get ready for it...

VASH. this bitch's name is vash! short for something. what? idk. but i've decided to experiment with the possibilities of a hoodrat with a nigga name. here we go.....

Vashinay Vashonica
Vashinetta Vashelle
Vashinista Vashua
Vashonne Vashillian
Vashiqua Vashennifer
Vashita Vashavia
Vasheline Vashentha
Vashonte Vashenthia
Vashilla Vashitha
Vashica
Vashoray

i feel like this could go on for way too long. ppl... no

PEOPLE!!! PLEASE DON'T NAME YOUR KIDS THINGS THAT ARE STUPID. THERE ARE UNIQUE NAMES THAT DON'T CAUSE PEOPLE TO POST BLOGS ABOUT HOW FOOLISH THEY ARE.

..... and if you still wanna name your kid something totally horrible, be my guest and take one of these many gems.

This is what i can't help but picture when i hear this girl's name.... is this what u really want to come to mind when ppl hear ur kid's name?

That's your girl?.... Wow.... Oh no, i didn't mean that in a good way.

ok, so i have this friend who's a little older and he's a fairly nice guy.... he's a fuckin perv, but he's not a bad guy at all. anyhoo, like any old single man with a little money in orange county, he likes to see how young of a woman he can get. (see? perv) and that's fine, like i said, he's single. well.... he usually has pretty good taste. he's been with some fairly beautiful women and so when he told me that he met this 25 year old who's "fuckin hot", i expected for her to be at the very least, pretty.... i've been hearing about this girl for a while now and he really likes chillin with her so i'm happy for him having a good ol' time, getting some young vagina.... then he introduces me to her....

*sigh*

so he walks in with this... girl? and wow!..... she looks like a joke. i was so disappointed. her body was... thin. nothing special about it, kind of lanky, but not bad at all. her face?....

no. like, capital N-O period. normally when i meet new girls that he's dating, i'm all kinds of nice and friendly. they never last too long, but so what? they're pretty. but this one... no. i can't spend time talking to and being nice to ppl who's faces look like bad cartoons. that's not ok. i will not fake approval of a friend's choice in fuck buddies. not gon' happen, neva (in my new new voice).... (damn, i miss that movie, i need to go home and watch that.)... anyway. this was going to become more awkward because i knew that at some point in time, he'd ask me what i thought and i'd be forced to... tell him the mutha fuckin truth!

so she goes to the car and wait for him cuz they're about to leave... it happens. he says "so what do you think? she's fuckin hot right?".... first came the "idk about that" eyebrow raise, immediately followed by "her face is fuckin whack." his response?.."yea, but her body's hot right? everything's real and where it's supposed to be." my response.... "yea, her body's coo'.... u like her right?" in the way to say that that's all that matters. there was a long pause and then he says "well, she walks around the house naked so that helps." and then changes the subject.....

i'm pretty sure i made him feel a little bad. but hey, what r friends for??? if i let him parade around life with clown-faced young ladies, he'd become a fuckin joke and then won't be able to feel good about the fact that he has a younger bitch on his arm.

anyway, i totally think i did the right thing and even though he still likes her, i don't want to be associated with the stank-ness that is her face. ilk.

PS, she seriously looked like the wicked witch of the west from the wizard of oz... but not green.... the skin color is seriously the only difference... all bad

PS (one more time), i kept looking for pics of things whose nose dominated their faces right? right. so i couldn't help but use this.
this, mixed with wicked witch of the west is the face that walked into my life and haunted me so bad that i had to blog about it.

So... i went blonde!

ok, so when i was in high school, i used to wear blonde braids (don't judge me, they were cute!). i also made the awesome decision to dye my hair blonde in like the 10th or 11th grade... maybe i was a senior.. anyhoo, i did that, my hair lightened and my roots were super bright, i continued life as usual, and didn't do any special maintenance on my hair and what do u think happened?.... it broke off!!! yes!!! it was the worst! after i went back to black and graduated (yea, i think it was my senior year) i started wearing a weave... LOVE the weaves! i did awesome things like, only adding a few tracks and leaving most of my hair out so i could really do the most damage to my hair with all the straightening and curling and whatnot. super decision! i colored my hair to an auburn color when i was 21 and got some hair to match... LOVED IT.... then my best friend wasn't there to re-install my weave so i glued those tracks in. sweet! i think i actually said to myself, "if my hair breaks, i'll just buy more!"... i was so fantastically smart! so my hair broke off, to my surprise, and i didn't know what to do.... back to black like amy winehouse! and then i got my weave done by my aunts... the weave queens! 24" of #1 silky straight european hair with only a little of my hair out in the front! WINNING!!!! i really should have taken a billion pictures of this because it was mag-nificent! i took it down a notch... or 6 notches and started making 18" my regular go-to hair length. i paid close attention to how my aunts did my hair and in no time i was whippin my shit by myself. YES! so, i was dancing and getting better with doing my hair and my makeup and becoming, as my homegirl Frankie would say "more polished" i was growing up. i was a wo-man!.... deep down inside, i so wanted to go blonde! like real blonde, not roots-only blonde. but i was sooo scared that my hair would break off and i'd be forced to go black and journey further into weavedom... years and years-... a little while later (i'm not that old), i had had 2 kids and my hair was at a good length and thickness so i was ok with wearing it without a weave and i just dreamed and dreamed of blonde living.

i considered a lace front wig and totally beyonceing my life away with my love on top... but a good one costs waaaaay too much. so i talked to a few hair adventurous friends and nobody thought i should do it... at home. but getting my hair colored at a salon with a colorist who's expertise was in turning brunettes to blondes was waaaaay too much.... so... i decided that i would do it myself! i went to wal-mart, i bought Textures and Tones in Honey Blonde and a palmers protein pack and i was on my way!!! i felt like the results were fantastic! not as light as i wanted to be, but definitely on the way. i did the protein thing to make sure my hair wasn't getting too broken down and i refused to straighten my hair for anything other than special occasions....

next was the same brand in Lightest blonde!... WONDERFUL! still not nearly light enough, but it was workin for me.


i used the lightest blonde 1 or 2 more times before i realized that toward the end of my 6/7 week waiting periods (to give my hair a break in between colorings) my roots weren't the only reason that my hair was looking slightly darker and a little dull... i switched brands! Dark and Lovely in... i think.. honey blonde ( cuz the color on the box looked lighter than what i had.) it was great! bright and wonderful! i loved it.

the roots grew out, but the color was fantastic still. next up Dark and Lovely LUMINOUS BLONDE!!!!! hot! it was fantastic at least. i mean, it was grand. hahahaha!

but the second time i used it....

MAGIC!!!!! yea, it looks amazing and it realy is luminous! i love it!... now, i love this but in my quest for blondosity, i wasn't counting on being so golden. so... although i love love love this!... i'm going to have to use a different brand next time in search of more of an ash blonde... a real blonde.

i'm excited about this. OH! before i forget, i take 1 egg, 1/2 cup of olive oil and 2 tbsp or maynaise and mix them together for a protein/moisture/cholesterol treatment for my hair 1 week before i dye it and then again right after i dye it and that has made this experience so wonderful! i have not seen any breakage (there's even less breakage than before i started this and had virgin hair). so... i'm happy!!!

The whole... race thing... again

i know, i know, i haven't been here in 47.8 years and when i do return, i get on some ol' race shit... but here goes...

i'm mixed. i'm mixed with a lot of things. i never generalize it when i tell ppl what i'm mixed with because i personally feel a connection to every race/ nationality that runs thru me. i understand that my skin is brown... i'm black, i get it! however, the fact that my skin is darker doesn't mean that i should or ever will dismiss all of the other colors that r responsible for my being.

that being said, i don't like to hear non-black ppl make negative comments about black ppl, what they can or can't do, what they r and aren't good at or what is typical of them. (i get that some stereo types r funny, but i'm talking about serious stuff, not the chicken and watermelon with grape soda type stuff). it bothers me and that's final..... i also don't like it when black ppl group us all together as if we all do, say, like the same things... that is annoying.

..... i don't like to hear non-white ppl talk badly about white ppl. it offends me just as much (sometimes more because it seems that i hear more ppl say negative things about white ppl than otherwise). i don't like to hear things like "only white ppl do that." or "that's that white ppl stuff.", "white ppl can't do black ppl's hair." "white ppl always do shit like that."... and so on. it's super annoying and what is more annoying to me is that ppl tend to do this right in a white person's face... but if it were the other way around, the white person would be racist. (kind of like how BET is so important to "our community" but if there was a WET, there would be a major uproar)

in all, i don't like when ppl generalize others by the color of their skin. there r asian, middle easter, caribbean and latin black ppl... they're not all african american, not all of them have ancestors that were brought to america to be slaves and not all of them grew up on "soul food". there r european, african, australian, latin, caribbean, and canadian white ppl in the world. not all of their ancestors took part in the slavery trade of the americas and some of them have ancestors that were slaves themselves. not all of them think of black ppl as anything less than a person with darker skin and not all of them fall into the catagory or racist, rich, white trash or scared of black ppl. YOU CANNOT DECIDED WHO SOMEONE IS UNTIL YOU KNOW THEM PERSONALLY!

Growing up and all the way til... now, i have never had a problem with white ppl. i have never been made to feel like the odd person out when i'm with a group of only white ppl. i have never had a white person, man or woman make me feel like they were uncomfortable with my skin. if anything, i've been called "cool" "beautiful" "funny" and been told that i have a beautiful color skin.
Growing up and all the way til... now, i have been told that i act, talk, dress like a white girl. that some of the things i do, music i listen to, stars that i am fans of, foods i like, things i'd love to do were "white girl stuff". i have been stared at with the stink face, looked up and down as if i don't belong and made to feel very uncomfortable when in a group of only black ppl (not every time, but it's happened). for a long time, i found it hard to relate to the typical black girl because the typical black girl decides that she doesn't like me before a word comes out of my mouth. ppl would tell me that they're just jealous because i'm pretty but u know, that isn't an excuse to me. it took me a long time to realize that i had just had some bad encounters with black ppl and that those experiences did NOT reflect on every black person that i would meet.

i've met some amazing black ppl. just as i have met some amazing white ppl, mexican, indian, native american, asian, caribbean, latin and hawaiian ppl.... i've come to learn that a douche usually comes in a single pack... summer's eve makes other less stank products and ppl r the same way. not every person of a color or nationality is gonna be stupid, racist, judgemental or just negative in general. sometimes it pays to give the benefit of the doubt and take the risk of getting stepped on or disappointed... you learn more that way.

that's all i have time for folks! it was lovely talking to u about my issues with ppl's issues and hopefully the next one will be a bit lighter and more fun! xoxo