I think i've made a decision....

Ok so..... Everybody who knows me, knows that i'm totally in love with pole dancing... And everybody who reeeally knows me, knows that i've visited and revisited the idea of teaching classes. I've thought about going to a studio, giving private lessons, starting my own studio... And... I think i've made a decision.....
I'm gonna do it. I'm giving myself a year (from yesterday, cuz it was the 1st) to get this going... Figuring out a main focus for the class, a target market, get any and everything that i would need from outfits to business cards and by yesterday next year, i'm going to be where i wanna be. I'm making this declaration cuz now i have it in writing and this give folks the ability to hassle me about it.... This is gonna be fun...
What gave me the push i needed? U ask... Well, i was in vegas talking about stripping and how fun it is and how beneficial it can be in a relationship and blah blah blah and i realized that this is somthing that i could do all day and love every second of it. So... Yea.... All i can say right now is IT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN! Lmao!

Yes, yes... I still love Jerseylicious

I was watching part 1 of the season 3 reunion of Jerseylicious and i couldn't help but feel the same way about Tracy as i did the past 3 seasons and reunions.... That bitch needs to get it together! She's constantly complaining that Olivia and Mikey r trying to make her look like a horrible person, but she has yet to realize how she portrays herself. Idk if she's not watching the show, but if she is, she should see that the things that she has said and done r what really makes her look like she has a questionable character. I choose not to let go of the fact that in season 1 she said things like she's going to make Olivia's life hell if she has to work with her at the salon, that she will do anything to get ahead in her career, that she always gets what she wants and doesn't care about other ppl and so on. She's also made it very clear that she is unable to just shut the fuck up about the fact that she doesn't like Olivia in front of clients. When working together, it's always her that causes the tention that ensures the client will know that she is not a fan of Olivia and the work she does. Just because u say ur being professional and constantly point out the flaws of others, doesn't mean that ur going to come off ass a good person. Her issue with her high school boyfriend is ridiculous and simply another way to play victim to the nonexistant evils of Olivia. I can't stand the constant bitchiness and childish snaps and looks toward Olivia and then the tears on the reunion shows. Mikey blatently asked "what did ever do to u?!" and she can only say "he's just a negative person" and when Olivia points out that she maintained contact and wished Mikey a happy birthday via text, she responds "i have a heart"... Really? Then where's Olivia's happy birthday? Since u wish "everybody" a happy birthday and u can't stand Mikey, it shouldn't matter that u hate Olivia... Cuz u "have a heart". I don't consider Olivia a victim, but i will say this... I woulda kicked that fake ass bitch in the head too.....
That is all

Obssessed!

I can't stop watching bridal shows! U know, shows like "say yes to the dress" and "my fair wedding with david tutera", the new one "momster of the bride" and the very cool "four weddings"... I would say that it's because i'm planning my own wedding right now, but no... It's because i'm obssessed with all things wedding. I think i always have been... I sound so sure right? Lol! But i do remember designing my wedding dress on 3 or 4 occassions starting in the 6th grade. And i've dreamed of a thousand different settings for my proposal and i'm pretty sure that i've pictured myself at hundreds of venues walking down the isle. What's funny is that i've always thought about these things but never analyzed the fact that i may be slightly crazy about weddings until all of these shows popped up. So one day i'll want to be a bridal consultant cuz i just know i could do a better job than everyone on these shows. Then i wann be a planner cuz... I just know i can do a better job than everyone on these shows (except david.. That fool is fuckin magical). In the end, all of these shows r giving me extra ideas of what i want my fantastic day to look like and to be real, i feel like i know exactly what i want while also feeling so lost in the options. I'm venue shopping now and omg! If they do not stop having so many beautiful places to get married, i will lose my mind! Hahahaha! I just want to find a nice place with the potential to be spectacular and have thee best wedding/ reception that anyone has ever experienced. i'd also like for ppl to be blown away about how ridiculously gorgeous i look and how amazingly beautiful a couple we r. Hahahahahahahhahaha! I sound so crazy right now.... But i don't care. I'm gonna get into some kind of bridal career one day, i can feel it. And if i run into 1 bridzilla i'm going to be the planner, consultant, makeup artist, etc who slapped the shit out of them on camera. Hahahahaha! That's all those bitches need btw, a backhand to the mouth.
Anyway (i got side-tracked) i'm so into weddings right now i'll go to a stranger's nuptuals just to scopeout what they think is dreamy.

Judgement

I'm watching monday night's episode of basketball wives and i can't really say how i feel about everybody yet.... But there's something going on here that doesn't sit well with me and i figured i'd write about it. So.....
This broad draya (who doesn't belong cuz um what? Basketball who? Yea, wives. Anyway) used to be a stripper. And when that news breaks they cut to gloria saying some nonsense about strippers being the enemy to the wives and whatnot... Then imani talks major shit about this girl and stripping... Ding Ding Ding! Guess what's bothering me! Hahahahaha! Anyhoo
Ok ppl, i get it, not everybody agrees with the profession, and for a lot of ppl, there just has to be some horrible reason to do it. I stripped/ danced for 3 years and i loved it. Ppl think i'm either weird, troubled or lying about that. There were days that i hated it, hated some of the ppl i worked with, hated the ppl i worked for, hated the customers, hated having to go in when i'd rather be home... But what's crazy is, when i worked at sears for 2 years, there were a lot of days when i hated it, hated some of the ppl i worked with, hated the ppl i worked for, hated the customers, hated having to go in when i'd rather be home.... Yea... It was a job And that's what happens when u have a job.
I've never agreed with the whole strippers ruining homes and being the cause of marraiges going bad only because u'd have to say the same about the human race. Men fuck up their relationships with more than just strippers and so do women. Female attention is available in and outside of a strip club so if ur mad at a stripper for being at work on the day that ur husband fucked up u should probably take a step back and ask him what he was doing there. I will never be the woman who blames the wife/ girlfriend cuz i feel like there was probably never anything they could have done to keep their man from doing them wrong. P.s. I hate when girls do that whole "if u kept him happy u wouldn't have to worry about him coming after me" some niggas just ain't shit when it comes to being faithful and u should never feel like u have to be any more or less than who u r to be worth his full commitment.
What this comes down to (i got a little sidetracked) is that u can't judge someone based on their job or their decision to go into a certain field. I mean, there r ppl going into the medical field who could care less about helping ppl... i think we should concentrate more on being respectable ppl. Having respectable ways of carrying ourselves and respecting who and what others truly r. It shouldn't matter what we do for a living. Everyone has a limit as far as what they'd be willing to do or what they'd do for however much money, but that doesn't make them any better or worse than anyone else. Being in the club, i've met dancers that were beautiful ppl, porn stars that were amazing friends, models that thought they were ugly, doctors and lawyers that were comeplete assholes and rich "respectable" men who were so insecure that it was hard to believe.
the subject isn't so sensitive to me simply because i was a dancer, it's because i've had ppl in my life that made it a mission to make me feel like i was less that the fantastic person that i am, because of my job. Ppl attempted to convince that i'm not worthy of respect or simple decent treatment because i chose a less than favorable career path. It was working there that made me really see what ppl in general r. It was there that i learned what ppl do when they care about u and when they could give 2 shits about what happens to u. There that i went thru my lowest period and made it back to who i know i want to be and i wouldn't trade it for the world. I wouldn't recommend dancing, i also wouldn't recommend working at sears, staples, 24hr fitness, in an office, warehouses, spinning signs on the corner or anything where u have to answer to someone. But out of the few jobs that i've had, it's my favorite the only one that i'd enjoy stepping back into.
Rambling (so what?)
i just can't stand when someone decides who a person is based on their job, or anything other than, well, who they r.
That is all.

Let's Be Real Here

So, i'm watching TLC and i see commercial after commercial for a new show coming out called "Big Sexy". *sigh*..... Where do i begin?!?!

Ok... So.... I get it, women wanna feel like they're beautiful and it's ok to be who they r and look the way they do and blah blaaah blaaaaahzzzzzzzzzz

but let's be real here, it's cool to be ok with how u look but what thee fuck? U like being unhealthy? U like that ur in danger of or suffering diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, clogged arteries, and countless other problems that come along with being over weight? Like, for real bitches. There is always this uproar of concern about how skinny women in the media make young girls have insecurities and eating disorders and horrible body issues. Also, it is fan-fucking-tastic for a fat woman to slam skinny woman, saying thet they look hungry or that they don't eat or that they wish they were bigger or that they're not real women.... Yet, if a skinny comedian made it her life's work to beat down fat women, create entire shows about how fat women r..well.. Fat, It would be terrible! There would be marches and protests and ppl saying things like "this is what's wrong with the world today!" and all kids of bullshit. But monique can call me a skinny bitch all day and i'm supposed to just laugh that shit off.

My point is this... Isn't obesety just as dangerous and unhealthy as anerexia? Isn't over eating, not exercising and allowing yourself to gain pound after pound, roll after roll, just as unhealthy and just as destructive as skipping meals, not eating large enough meals and obsessing over being a smaller size? And y r these women given so much praise? Y is it that nobody is blaming them for the mass amount of fat young girls out there wearing tight ass clothes cuz "they're big and beautiful" or cuz "real women have curves"? It's not ok to not take care of yourself! Ok, maybe i didn't say that right.

IT'S NOT OK TO NOT TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!

I refuse to believe that anyone, fat or skinny, is happy with themselves when they know that they're unhealthy. And btw fat girls, healthy is not another word for fat. If we're gonna do something to make ourselves feel better, we need to all embrace the movement of healthier eating and living and THEN be ok with being big or small. Even monique lost weight. She's not skinny, but i bet she's way more healthy. C'mon son!

Oh jeez...

There r times when i feel alone... Lonely. Nights when i can't think of one person i can talk to. Sometimes when ppl hear this, they feel compelled to tell u that u can always talk to them.... I think there's something being misunderstood tho... When i say that i'm lonely and that i don't have anyone to talk to or feel like there is no one to reach out to. My true dilema is not that i don't think i could call this person or that... The true dilema comes when i'm not alone but can't talk to who's around and even if i could... Even if i could just magically have someone wake up or stop what they're doing... I don't know what to say. My loneliness usually leaves me speechless....without answers.... Unsure y i feel alone in the first place.
Some ppl call this depression... Which may be true... I don't know for sure and to be real, beyond this blog... I'm never gonna take any steps toward acknowledging or fixing this problem. I have too many other things to worry about. Kids to take care of.. A husband to care for as well... Nobody ever notices when i don't feel like myself... Nobody thinks to ask "r u ok?" but i can't really complain because if someone actually took the time to see me... Really see me and ask if i was ok... I'd say i was fine and keep going. Keep being this... Way... This securely insecure, independantly needy... Completely out of my mind me. I'm unable to figure out what makes me tick... But i feel like i know how to keep it together... Does that make sense?.... It doesn't matter.

From Charlotte to Carrie to.... Miranda?

Growing up and into my teen years, i was just like Charlotte york. I wished and dreamed of finding my perfect man, having children and the whole happily ever after experience.....
From teen years to my early twenties, i related more to Carrie. Into fashion, involved but still fabulous, trying to findmyself yet very aware of who i was. And, of course, hoping that everything would go the distance with my Mr. Big. Even after my first kid, i still felt very Carrie. Very much like my same free spirited self and still like i was an individual....
This second baby?.... Miranda. I feel more like my having a baby has caused put a large wedge between me and my social life. I'm not doing anything different, however, i feel a bit like there is aknowledgement that i've had a baby and then.... Nothing. I don't expect for life to change for my single and/or childless friends... But maybe every once in a while it would be nice for them to poke their heads into my world and check in. Maybe exude some interest in doing something that i can bring the baby to. Or, i dunno.... Visit? Meet the baby? Honestly, even a text asking how the i and the baby were doing.
I am so happy to be a mom and be able to make the choice of staying with my baby until i'm ready to leave him, but i think i just expected something different from my "friends".... Whatever....

Writing is my therepy

I've never been to therepy. My assumption is that u go in and talk to an unbiased party about ur problems and they somehow help to reach a solution or some level of inner peace. (I coiuld be wrong, but let's assume it's like everything else in life and i'm right. Lol!)
Writing does this for me. I don't have a way with spoken words... In fact, i often find that my mind empties of all valid and piercing thoughts when presented with the opportunity to express them verbally. But i can always find the words when i'm writing them down. Sometimes i have thee most negative thoughts... About myself, about certain situations, other ppl, life... And if i write about it, i instantly feel better. I feel more relaxed, far less tense. Oddly enough, these writings don't have to be read in order for me to feel better. This served as a terrible truth in the early years of my relationship. I would write down the things that made me angry or hurt and never express them to him. It was rather unhealthy, but it kept me from doing a lot of ranting at 3am. Lol. Communication is better between us now. However i still find it to be effective to write down the random nonsense that pops into my head and takes up valueable space. That's what this is for the most part. It's not every single thing (i actually talk to my husband now, and i do have 2 kids that make it hard for me to take a break and write about my feelings) but it's what i got when i got it. If i couldn't write, i'd be crazy... Litterally crazy. I'd be the most violent frustrated ball of fire.... Just a little bit of nonsense for u.

Insecurity...

It's fairly safe to say that everyone falls victim to insecurity at some point in time in life. But where does it come from? Where does self-doubt begin? At what point does a beautiful, smart, funny, loving woman turn into a self-doubting, needy and all around unhappy person? What is the cause of feeling like ur less than enough? Less than fantastic?
R those who seem to have it all figured out and all of the confidence in the world, truely as sure of themselves as they seem? I mean, i've always felt like the women that feel the need to point out their greatness, probably need to do so in order to convince themselves. But what about the modestly confident woman?... The woman who just screams self love and awareness of how amazing she is and can be?... Is she really just as broken inside? And another thing, why does it matter? Why does it make one insecure woman feel better to know that other women feel like her? Does insecure misery love insecure company?...

Content?

For decades ppl have been opposed to change In the arts. Music and television seem to have the highest level of progression along with the highest level of controversey (sp?... Whatever) surounding their content. Music went from religious to happy to sad to sexual to violent to.... Well... Empty. Thru these different stages, the artists have always gone between 2 defenses... 1, It's about life and 2, it's just for entertainment value. Television, seems to have gone from obvious fantasy with hints of possible reality, to emulation of reality, to forced reality... All these "reality" shows have totally owned up to being staged and only partial reality... Yet we still watch, we still listen and we still enjoy. Y is that?
Point blank, i love a lot of pointless tv and music. Songs about nothing, with a great beat and shows about nothing, with great hair, makeup and wardrobes.
I just love to dance and look at beautiful ppl/ things. I'll even watch jewelry tv and fashion shows... Listen to music without lyrics....
all in all i feel like tv and music r there for entertainment and nothing more. Sure u can watch nat geo, animal planet or the history channel and get some new info to feed ur mind, but even still, we'd more than likely only tune in if the educational show is going to be entertaining as well...
This was just a thought i had as i watched the hot messes we know as "basketball wives" hahahahahaha!

What's the real deal?

In everyday life, it's becoming more and more common for men and women to reguard eachother with disrespect, mistrust and prejudgement. It seems that no one is willing to open up to give or receive genuine emotion. If u ask a man y he doesn't treat women as valuable creatures, his answer is likely to reveal past negative experiences (of both himself and other men that he has known), and the belief that women do not deserve any better. Hmm
If u ask a woman y she mistrusts men or feels such a negative way about them, she's more than likely to reveal the same.

It seems to be a visious cycle of stereo typing, assumption, heartbreak and humiliation that has molded us into the ppl that we r today. Men use women for sex and bait them with money, women decide that money = attraction. Women feel the need to go above and beyond (spending money, over extending themselves and being a doormat), to keep their men.. In turn, men decide that passive behavior = love. And then it continues on. Men begin to believe that the only way to get a woman is money and begin to lose respect and start to resent the women who respond... Women feel like they have to baby a man to get him to stay and then lose respect for and resent the men who this is true for. Essentially we've begun to lose respect for eachother and have completely lost sight of both the value of the opposite sex and, more importantly, the value of ourselves. If we cannot just love ourselves enough to say, "i will treat myself with respect, carry myself they way i deserve, and will offer myself (not my body, not my walet), no more and no less to those who treat me respectfully." then we will never be able to see eachother for who we all can be. We can be beautiful, loving, caring, respectful, peaceful, accepting and happy... If we tried.

Cuz i'm bored, vain and feel like it...

Alright, so i'm not really into the whole "i had a baby so everyone listen to me ramble on about them and what life is like being their mom"... However, i do feel the need to express things like this.....
After my first son, my body literally bounced back. After a week, i was at pre baby weight and looked the same aside from the awesome boobage. I proceeded to further my in-shape-ness by working out on occasion, had some photo shoots, became a dancer and after 2 years of that had a body like never before. Some thought i was too thin, but fuck that, my body was fantastic... Aside from the lack of boobage. Hahahaha! Anyhoo, i figured that when i had my second baby it would be the same, or at least not much different.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The joke was clearly on me cuz after 8 months, i haven't even gotten within earshot of my pre baby weight! BUT (and i made that big cuz this is big for me) with this ass, these hips and thighs, this toned, but not ripped tummy and, of course, the boobage.. I am really feelin myself! Like, seriously, it feels like i got my money right cuz can't nobody tell me nuthin! Hahahaha! For real, i'm into a lot of different types of bodies, fat asses, big boob, super thin with muscle definition... But right now, i'm on me. I know, it sounds cocky, but idon'tgiveafuck and i'm so proud to feel like this about me. If u tried to bring me down ur hatin and u deserve the slap u shall receive. Ha! Every girl should be on this level!

Bitches.... Can't live with 'em, can't stop talking about them.

So... First up, if u disagree with my flagrant use of the word "bitches" instead of women or ladies.... I don't care.
I've noticed that it is a huge trend for females to give a lot to the dudes they deal with and then when they feel they've been played or just picked the wrong piece of shit from the pile, they decide that they will "be like men"..... In other words, they will magically transform themselves into bitches that have the ability to jugle men and be totally heartless in their sexual dealings....
Really? That's what ur gonna do? So all this time u were not being real and u chose to be a sensitive ass bitch that can be hurt or fucked over by a man that wasn't exclusively urs in the first place?.... Right.....
Or should i say yea right! I mean, even if u can switch gears for a little while, it's only a matter of time before u slip back into ur own skin and give a little more that u need to and then ur right back to the "imma start doin me" or "i need to get on some nigga shit" (obviously i know some colored ppl).
my ultimate point is this: ladies, women, girls, bitches.. Whatever u like to be called.. Be u! A weak ass man who feels good only when he can take advatage of females is, well, a weak ass man! Instead of thinking u should change ur thought process and attempt to stoop to a lower and, let's face it, far less cute level, rethink the dudes u fuck with. Rethink how much of ur time, effort, heart, money and/ or vagina u give to somebody. There's no shame in wanting to give someone ur all, but there's also nothing wrong with making sure that he's worth anything u got in the first place. Fuck letting someone else change how u carry urself.
Sounds simple but we all know it's not and we've all done stupid shit for at least 1 dude or felt stupid after seeing the true colors of someone who we've fucked with but COME ON! Do we really want to be less us? I know i don't. I'm the shit and if u don't think the same of urself enough to maintain who u r then u need to make an adjustment... And noot one that turns u into someone else. Ew to that.
Anyhoo... Just a random thought. Feedback is always welcome ;-)

Online Dating

So, on the match.com commercial, they start by showing numerous ppl listing relatives who met their spouses/ fiances on the website. Then then they say that they're resposible for more marraiges than other sites. This is great! It's absolutely awesome!.... But could possibly be that those who go online to find love have tried an abundance of other ways to find love and have reached the point where when they find someone even remotely awesome, they feel like they must have found "the one"? I'm not knocking anyone, nor am i saying that the sites don't work. However, i am very curious to know what percentage of success stories are ppl who just went on for fun, or weren't looking for an imediate life partner. In other words, is there anyone who found a spouse when their biological clock hadn't started ticking yet?

Disrespect Or flattery? That is the question...

So me and the hubby took our 5-year-old to basketball practice and while we were getting the kids in the car and preparing to leave, there was another parent (a father, not from our team) leaving with his son. I didn't notice, but my husband informed me that the guy stared at me the whole time we were getting into the car and continued to stare as he drove off. It made me ask the quesion: Is a man staring at a woman who is with her man disrespectful, or flattering?
Now, there r obviously going to be different opinions flying around about this, but i say it's disrepectful AND flattering... It's disrepattering. (Lmao!) Noticing an attractive woman and taking a look while she's with someone seems to be fairly acceptable. It's (to me) the equivalent of saying "ur lady looks good".... However, blatently having a staring contest with a woman's body or face or the whole package is more like saying "i'd like to fuck ur woman, and i'd do it while u watch." hahahaha! But seriously, it's too much. Now, a man who is secure with himself and knows that his lady is bad will shrug it off.... But a different kind of dude may feel the need to say/do something about it. Aka, u might catch one if ur lookin too hard.
But that is my oppinion. Some see things differently and could care less about some random dude oggling their woman and some plan to keep that shit under control. Just a bit more nonsense for ya.... Feel free to share ur thoughts.

Oops!... :-)

So...... I got called out because... Not olny have i not been posting links to new blogs but OOPS! I haven't even been blogging! Totally not like me to pass on writing, but such is the life of an exhausted new mom. And to be quite frank, no disrespect to anyone, but who the fuck wants to read about diapers, laundry and basketball practices?.... Not me!
What have i been up to in my few minutes of freedom?.... Falling deeper in love with Jerseylicious! I know, it's probably not the best rated show, but i fuckin love makeup and hair and fly ass bitches so.... DING! DING! DING! We have a winner! Hahahaha! I'm in love with the whole over the top style of these broads and it kinda reminds me of me and some of the girls at the club.... Hint hint... We're amazing! Plus, in this time of full-time obsessive mommy-hood, i need to be around as much flyness as possible. Even if it's on tv. enough of that....
I watched the reunion show after season 1 and wtf! Tracy's crying and trying her damnedest (is that a word?) to get everyone to feel sorry for her cuz she has no fans and gets hate emails and cuz nobody likes her.... But um.... Did she watch the show? Did she hear the things she said? To be real, the whole issue between her and olivia is not what makes her look like a complete bitch. Her private testomonials (or whatever it's called when they comment by themselves) are what display her to be so evil..... I still like the bitch, but sometimes she gets on my damn nerves. Olivia? Like her too, same side note. Basically they all both get points for flyness but could use a dose of getthefuckoffmynerves every once in a while. So..... This is the beginning of me blogging from my phone. And possibly the beginning of me dropping the spaces between words to add effect. Kinda like Tamar braxton and all the .com's and whatnot.... Only less 3 years ago. Ha! We'll be talking about that bitch too... Later!