hmmm

y r ppl so afraid to say what they really feel to ppl who they'd like to keep in their lives? in other words, y is it, that ppl can be rude or just straight forward with strangers, but when it comes to a friend or business partner acting an ass, ppl tend to tense up and keep their thoughts to themselves... or to just express their frustrations to others? is it fear? is it fear that the person who's blatantly showing their ass will take too much offense and possibly be unable or unwilling to hear it, take it, and let go? if u feel like someone who is important to u will hold a grudge against u for feeling a certain way, then... y r they so important to u? i mean, who wants to have someone around who u constantly have to tell urself and others "that's just so and so..." or "he's really not a bad guy deep down.." what's so awesome about a person whose everyday behavior is so off-putting that u have to bite ur tounge in order to get along with them? i understand that we r supposed to let ppl be who they r, but r we supposed to let ppl treat us with disrespect or disregard for our feelings while doing so? when weighing the pros and cons of a relationship, being completely disgusted by a person's personality would have to outweigh a ton of pros right?.... that's just my opinion. and trust me, i understand that it's not always as easy as it sounds... sometimes it's a friend u've had for ur whole life, or it's someone u'll have to do business or work with for an indefinite period of time or maybe it's someone ur related to and u really can see the positive side of this person... but when it gets to the point where the sound of their voice begins to make ur skin crawl or their presence makes u uneasy before actual contact, maybe it's time to move on.... with that being said, i believe that when u have patience with life and deal with the things that u cannot change, u will be rewarded with an escape route... but in the time that u r exercising this patience, u may feel like ur being punished.

Sometimes.....

every once in a while i tend to day-dream... sometimes it's not exactly when i should be allowing my mind to wander, like in the middle of an important conversation or while driving... anyhooo... one of my favorite day dreams is when i'm listening to music and i just drift of into thoughts of dancing... i LOVE to dance... i know some ppl don't think of what i do as real dancing and it's not exactly what u'd do on the dance floor at the club (i love going regular dancing as well... so fun!) but it's something that i actually feel my way thru. i used to think it was the drugs/ alcohol that made the music more than music on stage, but when i started dancing sober i realized that some songs can just make me wanna zone out. to move with a beat in a graceful way feels sooo good and it makes me feel free. to find a melody within a melody and make your body mimic its pattern is like nothing else... ok, i sound like a total tweaker right now, but seriously, it's such an awesome feeling. now that i'm all large and in charge, it's kind of impossible to decide to just go to work and dance... nobody wants that, and for those that do... eww. but until i can, i sit at my desk at work and listen to songs that i'd normally or would love to dance to and sometimes i catch myself swaying my head or closing my eyes as if i were in the middle of a set.... simply put...

Sometimes, i just feel like dancing

To the ladies.....

listen up... how about we stop bashing each other huh? i mean, it's inevitable that ppl r gonna do stupid things, but let's be real, we've ALL done some dumb shit in our lives. whether it was the way we treated someone or the way we treated ourselves. in other words, who am i to call a girl a dumb bitch for being stupid over some guy when i've been stupid over a guy before? who am i to call a girl stupid for not treating herself with the utmost respect when i've been guilty of the same thing? we're all still learning and the best thing to do is to give a girl some positive when she's throwing out a lot of negative.... the lesson gets learned faster and she's less likely to return the ill-wishes and unproductive thoughts.... just a thought for u all out there that spend ur days saying how dumb another bitch is as if u haven't been a dumb bitch ur damn self.

yours truly,
a former dumb bitch.

Where did the weight go???... Oh wait... yea, there it is!

ok, so i was looking at my legs (mainly my thighs) yesterday and i realized something... THAT'S WHERE ALL THIS WEIGHT WENT! i've been wondering how i could have gained ___ pounds and still not be done, but now i see!... my thighs r waaaay bigger than they were. they used to not touch at all, and now they're constantly making out with each other and i'm sure i should put one of them on birth control cuz it's starting to get serious.... also, my upper body has decided to enlarge itself.... i thought, at first, that it was just my awesome boobs coming back, but now i see that my upper arms have decided that they didn't wanna get left out of the mix and now they're starting to look like my grandma's (insider/ my grandma on my mom's side along with most of the women on her side tend to gain weight in their upper arms) so anyway... while i'm over here thinking "holy shit i'm a fuckin swoll up cow!... i look like the chickens that tried to pass for foster farms but got too plumped up!" (i totally thought that... love those commercials!) daddy tells me that i look like i could have another month left... how sweet is that?.... but what can i expect from my husband? i basically bash myself on a daily basis and then, even tho i think i look terrible, get butt ass naked and ask him if i look bad... what's he gonna say? "yea babe, u look like shit" ? no!... actually, that usually leads to things that i'll choose not to mention here, but i know u know what i mean. so anyhooo... where was i? oh yea! i totally figured out that even tho i'm smaller than i was with my first kid, i can see that my hips and thighs have decided to hold onto all of the fantastic things that i've been eating this past 9 months.... i'm too heavy to get on my pole so i'm just waiting to drop this guy and whenever the doc says that i can exercise, i'm going at it again and hopefully i won't feel like a total loser when i start this workout cuz well, that just wouldn't be cool... so yea, thighs r y i've gained ____ pounds and i'm gonna get them under control... later. time for mac and cheese!

ps: this is what u get when i'm bored and able to study all aspects of this growing body of mine. thanks for reading

Sesame Street = Awesome..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz5nlr8oujA

How absolutely awesome is this?!?! now, growing up in L.A. and then Rialto, i didn't have the issue of wondering y my hair wasn't straight... i grew up around a lot of black, mixed and latina girls so hair like mine didn't stir up any questions of "Y...?" the most i ever got was "you got good hair..." or "what r u mixed with?" however, for a young girl who lives around mostly white or just non-black ppl, there may be some confusion or even envy over the hair that her friends have as opposed to the hair that's sprouting from her scalp. there's absolutely nothing wrong with "nappy", "kinky", "course" hair... but try telling that to a girl who is the only one she sees with it... i think the issue comes about when girls r young because, for the most part, they're not getting perms and relaxers and they definitely aren't rockin weaves. so they see older black/ curly-haired women and think that they r among the "lucky" who happen to have long and silky hair....
idk, once more, this was never an issue for me and i didn't know of anyone who was secretly wondering y she didn't have straight hair... little girls rocked perms with no problems and parents weren't opposed to putting braids in their daughters' hair, gel was a must for those whose hair didn't all fit into a ponytail and the styling of hair was pretty advanced for girls in elementary and went slightly further than just a ponytail or a bun... braids, baby hair, multiple ponytails, twists, waterfalls and swooped bangs were a part of everyday life....
well i saw the story about this song on Sesame Street and i just fell in love with it... Joey Mazzarino, the head writer for Sesame Street is white and so is his wife. their daughter, however, is Ethiopian and rocks a natural... she's young and her hair looks adorable, but in her eyes, there's something wrong with it. she would ask her parents y her hair isn't blond, or straight or long like her mother's... this coming from a young girl to her parents who had no idea that THIS would even be an issue was a bit unsettling for her father... so what did he do? he thought about the absolutely obvious possibility that maybe this issue went beyond his little girl and how he could address it.... wait.. oh yea, i write for Sesame Street... NEW CHARACTER!!!! so he comes up with this new character "Claire" and she sings the song "I Love My Hair"! it's a great song, simple and addresses all the different styles that are easy and common for a young black girl to wear. the singer is a little girl named Chauncey Johnson, who starred in Broadway's the Lion King and the puppeteer is Kevin Clash, the man behind Elmo. the song is so cute and the message is similar to that of India Arie's "I am not my hair": it's supposed to teach girls to love what they have no matter what and to appreciate their curly or course locks just as much as they'd appreciate a head full of long straight hair. a great message all around and i had to put my 2 cents in and say KUDOS to Sesame Street for this!

i like it where ever it is when i put it down.....

so, i had to google this whole "i like it...." business i've been seeing on facebook and found out that it's a new thing to raise awareness for breast cancer... i'm lost.
so it says that the "i like it..." is supposed to be completed with the location that ladies like to keep their purse... wait.. what?
and then when u ask a lady what she's talking about (because of course the mind goes one place and one place only when u see something like "i like it on the kitchen counter" as someone's status update) she is to respond "i can't tell u".... wait... what? one more time...
this is supposed to raise awareness for breast cancer and what? r they relying completely on the possibility that everyone is gonna be a google fiend like me and just look it up? that's not how things work, and it's been going on for about a week, that i've seen and i was totally not becoming aware by the status updates.... so.... yea, maybe they should just do the obvious and have random important statistics that ppl can post... but what do i know? i was already aware of breast cancer before i found out that my cousin likes to keep her purse on the kitchen counter....

gonna get personal for a hot second...

i was lucky enough to find the love of my life at 15 years old and i totally knew he was the one, the first day that we had contact. something was just..... idk there was something about him that made me feel like we were connected already. we fell in love with each other very quickly... we'd only been together for about 2 months when he said that he loved me. i lost my virginity to him with no reservations after 9 months of being together. of course, my parents didn't approve of this at all. (they didn't know about the sex) they were not so into the idea of me having a boyfriend in the first place, let alone an 18 year old... whatever. i basically said a big fuck u and stayed with him no matter what they said. i knew we were supposed to be together. it came down to me graduating and putting my parents in the position to have to accept the fact that i was in love and not just messing around with this guy. we had our son when i was 19 and, although he was the best thing to happen to us, it didn't make dealing with our issues easier. i became obsessed with only caring about my son and then myself and making the love of my life know that i didn't need him and that i wouldn't settle for less than his everything (which i felt he wasn't giving me). we got married when i was 21 and thought that this would help us become closer because we knew that we were meant to be together... we eventually split up when i realized that i really didn't feel the same. i still loved him... but i didn't feel like being with him was good for me. i felt like i was sad and hurt all of the time and it made me resent him because i told him how i was feeling and saw no change.... i felt like he didn't care enough... like he figured that i wasn't going anywhere, so he didn't need to try... so we split up.... i spent the time that we were not a couple in a different state of mind. i drank all day almost everyday, i smoked more than i ever had (cigarettes and weed) and i even started taking pills (pain killers) for the extra high.... i felt like i was so much better off, so much happier... hanging out with "friends" who encouraged my behavior and i even thought that that was what single life was.... i can barely remember that year. i remember names... some faces... some days... some nights... but most of it was a blur. the half of the week that i had my son was my time of clarity... and i spent that time trying to get away from the fact that it was just us at home. we went to the park all the time, did laundry, walked the mall, went to the beach... anything that kept us out of the house.... i still didn't think i was hurt... even tho i cried almost everyday. i wondered what was wrong with me... why was it that he could make changes and be who i wanted him to be... without me. the only guy that i took slightly seriously during this break was a rebound... i "loved" him.. but not enough to do anything for him, to treat him like he was special, to talk to openly... to make time for.... he used to tell me that i didn't care and i would argue that i was just not an emotional person... but that wasn't true... my heart just didn't really belong to him and even i didn't have it. it wasn't like he was a great guy... he talked to me like i was dumb, he knocked everything that i did, he basically told me i was going to hell every chance he got... along with other issues... he was actually bad for me. i stayed intoxicated around him and was rarely sober enough to realize that i actually couldn't stand him... it was just nice to feel like someone wanted to be with me... how lame is that?... i started to push him away even more... i told him things that weren't true and made me sound like a terrible person... i basically trashed my character, and he eventually stopped wanting to be around me as much... it was a relief for me, but it still didn't like feeling like i was being rejected... idk how that makes sense... but when we stopped talking, it didn't hurt... i didn't think about him until he'd message me and even then it wasn't a miss, it was more like a "oh yea, hey!"... i couldn't figure out who i was and what i was supposed to be or to be doing and that scared the shit out me. the only thing that i ever felt confident about was that i was a good mother. i loved my son and i loved just being home with him and as soon as he left for his dad's house, i'd start drinking, smoking, crying, plan for going out to party and work non-stop.... eventually i stopped drinking during the day so much and started smoking more.... i started to realize that i missed him... my love... i realized that i wasn't happy without him... that i wasn't really better off. the more time i spent around him, the more i saw a difference in him. but i wasn't sure of what that meant... did that mean that he was better off without me? did i hurt myself and do him a favor? and once more it went back to, what was wrong with me that he couldn't be this awesome guy for me? my self-worth was totally down and fucked up. he turned into the only guy who could make me smile... the only person who i felt like me around instead of having to put on a smile and be fun.... i really felt this way. when we got back together i made a promise to myself that i'd never leave him again and i'd be so great that he couldn't leave me... but i feared everyday that he would one day tell me that he was leaving me. or that he only came back because of my son and not me. i've only recently gotten over that... like within the last couple of months, i've stopped wondering if he really was in love with me. we're having our second son and i'm an emotional wreck... my hormones r making me happy, sad, angry, irritable, insecure and he's right there trying his best to turn those feelings around and i couldn't be more thankful... i have huge regrets about ever letting him go... but i keep thinking that we wouldn't be as close and happy now had we tried to stick it out... i don't know how i lived without him... but i totally have to say both thank u and fuck u to drugs and alcohol... without it, i would have had more panic attacks than i had and i would have been even more depressed.... i wouldn't have been able to fake it as well as i did.
i feel like i got a little too personal on this one....

a letter.... to my boobs. hahahahaha!

i remember the first time we got together... it was pure magic to me. i couldn't believe u had come into my life and i wanted to hold u here forever. the months passed by and soon u were starting to fade... and then.... u left me. i thought of other alternatives to have u back, but i knew that nothing would compare to what we had had.
oh how i missed u... i thought about u, talked about u, looked at pictures of us together and wondered would i ever have u again.
and u've come back! ur here and close to my heart again! and i feel just a little more complete... it's shallow, but i feel more whole knowing that ur here... knowing that ur close to me again makes me feel like life can go on without any sadness or pain.... but how long will u stay this time? how long before u begin to fade away from me and leave me feeling empty and incomplete? how long before i'm searching for you again?... the you that won't leave?... the you that i can always have?....
i try not to think about that. i choose to stay focused on the time that we do have together... it feels so new, yet so comfortable... i look at u and i see a complete me and i will always feel this way... even when u were gone, i never forgot how having u made me feel.

i guess since it's been almost a week, i'll go ahead and give a little account of how my showers went. yes, i said showerS i had one on saturday in my hometown and another on sunday at my actual home. so anyhoo...
shower number 1 was nice. my brother in law was so gracious as to allow us to use his home and, since i didn't want any kids there, he agreed to keep his 4 year old daughter (adorable btw) brooklyn, occupied upstairs... sweet right?.. right. so my mom and i got there about an hour before it was supposed to start and my mom and auntie (in-laws) terry had done an awesome job of decorating the place! auntie joyce came with the finishing touches (center pieces) and the place looked just adorable! i expected more ppl to show up to this shower, because it was closer to a lot of ppl who said that they would come.... not the case. there were the main ladies there that i really cared about coming and then there were a lot of no shows (not cool btw, i could have saved time, money and paper on the invitations and stamps had ppl just opted not to ask to be sent one) no hard feelings... kinda. so i made it clear on the invitations and to my moms that i was serious about there not being any children present for 2 reasons...1- i don't like other ppl's kids. and 2- if my son's not gonna be there, i don't wanna be bothered with someone else's kids. so everybody is trying to prepare me for someone to do the inevitable and bring a kid and wow, the one person i knew would do it, did. my husband's cousin brought her little boy and when someone suggested that he go upstairs with little brooklyn she has the nerve to talk about him wanting to go swimming... yea let's back track (my shower for xzavior, which was meant to be a no children affair featured a lot more kids being brought... including this bitch bringing her kid and actually changing his diaper on my mother's leather couch... yea, she's one of those bitches that has to do shit to make u wonder "who invited her?") anyway, i was determined not to be bothered by this.. i was much too cute... however, she did not get a hello, a goodbye, a thank u or even a look from me. she was invisible and so was her little boy. the shower was pretty fun still. i got to see my sister and my cousin nanie which r a pretty big deal.. my aunties tina and lisa and cousin chomey came out... a friend of mine, whom i haven't seen since maybe the 9th grade came and that was awesome. i got some nice things (only one thing from my registry: thank u josynthia!..not to be a bitch, but the registry is there for a reason) and i laughed so hard and so much!....

did i mention that i looked cute?.... yea, i did. hahahaha!
shower number 2 was a little different. i live in an apartment so i was hoping for a smaller turn out and i think it was just about the same amount of ppl, maybe 1 or 2 less. i decorated the house myself... which wasn't really fun, but at least i got some bragging rights. my mom in law had to leave early cuz she wasn't feeling well, which sucked because i know that she wasn't feeling well due to putting so much energy and effort into the showers. my mom handled the games and whatnot again and i got to see my girls!!! some ladies from the club, a friend from junior frickin high and a couple of friends from high school... my mom's work friends who have known me since i was just a baby... maybe younger. the day was nice. my mom and i made something similar to jungle juice and of course, alcohol makes any occasion more fun. i got things that i needed and were on my frickin registry... honestly, i thought that the shower at my house was slightly better...oh, and i totally looked cute.....

also, 2 of my friends were so sweet and brought me gifts for me. christy brought me a yummy smelling set from bath and body works and val brought me a gorgeous little dress that looks great on me now and i'll be able to wear after the baby.

nice! it was a really fun weekend and i'm so happy that the ppl who could make it, did. it was just wonderful.
i was so not looking forward to the showers and the ppl and it turned out awesome because there were just the ppl that mattered (plus or minus a few) i was annoyed at the bitch who had to bring her kid... just cuz i know she didn't have to. and i was sad that my sister couldn't make it to the oc shower...and my 2 best friends couldn't make it to either.... but ppl have things to do along with not being able to control mishaps so i know they would have been there, had they been able to rule the universe.
all in all, i was pleased with the outcome and i totally don't look forward to doing it again... for a while at least. lol!