never dreamed of being a champion....

in my life, since i was a kid, i've never dreamed of being a champion... never aspired to be the very best at any craft. i've wanted to be a house wife/ mom for forever (i've probably mentioned that before) and all other career interests were fine staying in my day dreams or simply being tried out.
i was a pretty weird kid... in preschool i used to day dream about breaking into song...more like music video...at school and i would totally impress the guys (totally into boys at an early age) but i realized that that was one of those things that was to remain in my head.
i got older and recorded a little and realized that my heart wasn't in singing, it was just something that seemed fun.

when i was 11- 17 i wanted to be a fashion designer and i would totally daydream about putting on fashion shows that i also walked in... but by the time it was time to make a decision on weather or not i wanted to make that my life...the desire wasn't there... i had no passion for it. i made my prom dress along with 2 of my friends' dresses and that process was pretty fun even tho it was hard work... but it kind of sealed the deal that i wasn't as into it as i should be to make a career out of it.

when i was about 12, i fell in love with cooking and wondered what it would be like to have my own diner where i knew the ppl that came in and everyone loved my place... but that faded and i just accepted that i can make whatever i want when i want and for who i want and that's way more awesome than taking orders... so i love finding new recipes and trying my own thing and that's that.

i worked twirling signs on a corner for 2 months, just because it looked fun.... it wasn't, so i stopped. (truthfully, i got flashed by some guy and it scared the shit outta me)
i worked in retail because i thought it would be fun and mellow and i realized that i absolutely hate working for ppl who choose not to even try to hear or relate to the feelings and needs of their employees... i figured maybe a smaller company wouldn't be so bad.

i worked at a gym for a little while, which was actually not bad. just checking ppl in and answering phones... but it paid so little that it really started feeling like a job... if that makes sense.

i started dancing (stripping) shortly after that (i wanted to do that since i was 14) and that was the first time i felt like i was absolutely in love with what i did for a living.... on stage. lap dances, talking to random strangers, hoping that someone won't be a waste of time or effort began to become too exhausting. if i could just go on stage and forget about everything else, it would have been the best job ever!!! i'm ok with talking to strangers... i'm not ok with pretending to be interested in them or anything they have to say, laughing at jokes that aren't funny, being ridiculously close to them for 3.5 minutes or more simply because that's what they paid for... being touched without asking to be touched. all these things r easier when ur wasted... which is how i spent the first 2 years of my doing this job... i can barely remember the first 2 years of my time there and that makes me so sad. my last and sober year i watched and listened to girls who were super drunk or on pills (some that i was "close" with) and i think about how that was me. (i was worse, to be honest) so i put a lot more interest in making my show better... i stepped up my pole tricks and was always eager to try more and i wanted my floor show to be as good as it could possibly get... i was told on numerous occasions that i was the best on stage and not to sound cocky, but i believe that i was. there were still girls that i LOVE to watch but i felt like there was something different about my show and it made me feel good..... it also effected my work ethic negatively. i didn't want to sit and talked to ppl, i didn't want to pretend to be someone that i wasn't to get a dance and truthfully, didn't want to get any dances anymore... i felt like all i wanted to do was put on a good show and i was doing that... but putting on a good show doesn't pay enough. and learning how to turn my sex appeal off was the best/ worst thing that could have happened to me... it took so much energy to turn it back on and i couldn't find one person worth turning it on for....unless i was on stage. stage became like another world. it wasn't a large stage at all, but being up there with the right song made me feel like i was performing in concert.... what's odd is that my stage performance is the most personal my dancing can get... and doing a lap dance is just hard work. anyhoo.....

i say that i never aspired to be a champion because when i reached a certain point in everything that i've done, i was ok.... i only do things to satisfy myself and with these things, i was satisfied with where i had ended....

from the outside, i'd say that i seem to be completely free of ambition... lazy... but that's not it at all. i'm a passionate person and i feel like i should be able to do the things that i'm passionate about..... but i find it difficult to find something to be/ stay passionate about...

being a wife and mother, however, i'm determined to be the best at. and no one can judge that but my guys... but it's always something that i'm striving toward. i want my sons to think i'm the best mommy all the time and i want my husband to look at me and think that he couldn't have done better... that goal is never fully reached as the days go by because there's always somewhere to improve, some way to fuck up... and i'm so determined to not let that happen... to never lose interest... to never feel like i've done it all... because i never will be done. even after my boys r grown and having their own lives, i want them to think i was the best mom that they could have had, even tho their wives are the best moms to their children. i still have to make sure that as we grow old together, that my husband looks at me and sees the same girl he fell in love with... or at least a woman that he can fall in love with over and over again. giving in to insecurity or accepting that feelings fade is not an option for me... the only option is to keep making sure that my babies know who my kings r and that my husband knows that another woman may try, but nobody will be able to love him as hard as i do... i say hard because it's more that just an amount of love, it's making that love felt every single day by doing everything he likes and then adding something he didn't know he liked onto that. i get frustrated and feel under appreciated and sometimes break down when no one is around... but that's the insecurity and the self-pity weighing on me. this is the life i chose and the job i decided that i would be the best at. the is the only thing that i've decided to be a champion at and i'm going to win... it may not be over until i'm gone, but when i am....i'm gonna feel good about what i did and how i did it.

love hurts.... or wait... it's not supposed to

i'm sitting here and talking with a friend (male) about his ex girlfriend and the different trials and ups and downs they go thru. now, he's actually super chauvinistic and is one of those guys that think that women can't be in higher positions and whatnot because they're too emotional.... which i resent, because i feel that, although women are more emotional than men in general, that doesn't mean that we are unable to be just as successful at decision making as men... but that's a whoooole different subject... kinda.
so the gist of their relationship is that he is madly in love with her... like so serious, it's almost creepy to me. but it seems that she's not quite as serious about him. like, hearing the things they go through, i'm sure she loves the guy, but she definitely doesn't want to be with him and she's totally fucking with his head because she knows that he's head over heels... they always go thru these periods of not talking, then talking, then he thinks they may work it out, then she makes it clear that that's not what she wants and it always ends up with him getting hurt because he feels like she led him on.... my take?....
she's over him but really wants to be friends and feels like it should be easy for him to just jump into the friend seat because she told him that she doesn't want anything more.... he,on the other hand, is not over her and all contact initiated by her, he takes as a sign that they somehow belong together... i've told him to just let her go for months now and he always says that he will...until he can't anymore.
so this last encounter that they've had, she has a boyfriend... she tells him about him, she makes clear that it's kind of serious and she also treats him like a friend... he gets pissy and has an attitude because he doesn't see y she'd want to be with anyone else.
my advice to him?...
just cut her off. no answering or sending texts, no random lunches, no calling on her birthday and to tell his "friend" (whom is also "friends" with this girl but actually is a total douche and i wish would just disappear from all that is life) that he doesn't wanna hear about her anymore...(because "friend" basically just rubs it in his face that this girl is hot and happy without him and is very disrespectful of the fact that, although they aren't together, this is still the woman that he's in love with... see?... douche)
he does fine when they have no contact. when they go weeks without speaking, he meets other girls, he focuses on work, he's happier and he has more swag.... then "friend" will mention her or she'll text and he falls right back into the "y does she want to be with someone else?" "what am i supposed to do?" and of course the undeniable fact that he's so in love with her.
it's tough to get over someone, but it's tougher when u keep that person as a part of your life in hopes that u don't have to get over them.... it's actually kind of sad because it's one of those situations where u wish u could just shake the love out of someone so they can see what's really happening to them... but that's not how life goes.

anyway, my closing thoughts to him were that even though he (and other men) talk shit about women being too emotional and whatnot, everyone has an emotional trigger.... and his heart is his. (i think that's with all/ most men) being seriously in love and giving your heart to someone isn't easy and to have to accept it back along with the fact that the person u love is truly done with u can make someone crazy. so, even though she lives in the same county, he should really learn to think about himself and how negatively it makes him feel to keep trying to create a positive situation... i also told him that he sounds like a woman and he needs to man up and realize that he's gonna be able to find someone better.
yea, so.... that was my morning

right quick....

there r a lot of things that irk me, especially when i'm on the road. slow drivin ass ppl, all up on my ass when u could go around ass ppl, old ass ppl, thinkin their the only ones on the road ass ppl, honkin at me after they fucked up ass ppl, not using a blinker ass ppl and also the sittin at a green light for no fuckin reason ass ppl... there's more, but that's neither here nor there. the one thing that bothers me, even when it's not effecting me at all is the fuckin pick up trucks with a back yard built on the back.... how is it not illegal to build a picket fence on the back of ur car??? they can never keep up with traffic, street or freeway, and they're usually driven by ppl who can't drive and like to do things like drive 50mph in the fast lane... i want to carry an ax with me and chop their yards down... it's just a fuckin ridiculous joke!... so yea, those r my first thoughts of the day

crazy dreams!

ok so, they say that when ur pregnant, u may have some odd dreams... well jeez lou-fuckin-weez! i had 2 super weird dreams last night that i can't even believe have alternate meanings.... they're just weird.

#1: so me, my husband and my little chickon man (5-year-old son) went to visit my little brother.... somewhere and when we got home we noticed that there was a tornado and it looked to have touched down where he was staying. so we got all upset and panicked and headed into the house but before we could make it to our door another tornado started RIGHT ABOVE US! we tried to run but first i got swept up, then my baby boy and then my husband... it felt so real! the fear i felt, the look of fear in my baby's eyes.... and all i wanted to do was be able to grab him and hold him (cuz we were obviously doomed) and i couldn't reach him.. i couldn't get to where he was and it was horrible... and then i woke up...

#2(and this starts right after i fall asleep after the last one): so my baby shower is coming up this weekend and i really am feeling like there's too much to do with too little time. the one thing (in the dream) that i seem to be concerned with is the fact that no one has said anything about making the peaches and cream cheesecake cup cakes that i sooo want!... so i decide that before i head to the saturday shower (cuz i'm having 2) i'll bake some up for myself... along with putting in a weave, doing my nails and doing my makeup... um... what am i thinking??? it takes all day and by the time i'm done it's like 8pm and i totally missed my own baby shower! i knew it was getting later and later, but i just wouldn't stop the nonsense and go! idk what that means, but i woke up shortly after i started getting shit for inviting all of these ppl out and leaving them hanging... but i did get a lot of gifts (bright side)

what the fuck am i supposed to make of these dreams?.... or am i just supposed to say fuck it and blame it on the hormones?

what i noticed about the first dream was that, not one time did i think about my unborn child.... all i could think about was getting to and holding my son... does that mean anything? i haven't met this new one yet, so maybe that's y...
and in the second dream... i was basically feeling what i feel right now: that i'm not really in the mood for a shower, let alone the things that go along with it... talking to everyone, answering questions, entertaining... yea, i've been on and off with the not feeling it for a few weeks now and then i have a dream where i basically say fuck the whole thing.. *sigh*....

LOVE.... (super random)

I'm sitting here thinking about the dynamics of a lot of relationships (between young ppl especially) that I've been able to observe up close. I've known or known of a few girls who were/ are totally in love with a guy that says that they love them as well... but have yet to truly act like it. The problem is always this:
She loves him enough to give him what he needs from her... and he loves her enough to give her what he wants to give.
I've seen a lot of girls settling for being someone's "main chick" even though they truly would like to be the only, but they have 2 problems.... 1) They want this man whom they know won't give this to them and 2) They're too comfortable, too afraid, too in love with this man (even more so than they love themselves) to drop the relationship.
Y is it that a beautiful,smart and perfectly wonderful girl feels the need to say "Fuck what i want or truly need from a partner.... I want this guy"
I'm not saying that love is wrong, and I'm definitely not saying that you should drop a man for having human faults.... But let's all be very real with ourselves here...
If ur man is worth all of your time, love, money, interest, respect, attention, affection, thoughts, mind, heart and soul.... then shouldn't u expect the same from him?
More power to the women who r completely ok with the fact that their men will never respect them enough to be faithful or at least keep it out of their faces... But these girls who bend over backward for the man that constantly displays a lack of the real love and respect that they so desire from him, and then break into tears when they think he may want to leave them... GET IT TOGETHER!... YOU WILL BE FINE!
And for those who think that this person is their soul mate, and "He just needs to get it out of his system"... then let him.. alone... and if/ when u guys r on the same page and r actually meant to be together , u will be.

Contrary to popular belief... LOVE IS ENOUGH... but u have to know what ur meaning and expectations of love are and if ur partner shares the same point of view. if not, u'll be giving the kind of love that u want and he'll be giving the kind of love that he feels is enough to keep u around.
I know, I know, this can go both ways and by all means, flip it and make this about loving and respecting urselves in a relationship guys... but the point is quite simple...
LOVE YOURSELF... KNOW HOW U WANT/ NEED TO BE LOVED... AND DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS THAN THAT LOVE... NOT EVEN FOR LOVE.

to weave or not to weave... is that even a question?

i'm totally gonna eat cheetos while i write this one... don't judge me

so, i've been wearing a weave for a while now... it started with tracks glued in which ended with me having shorter, thinner hair due to breakage... i was about.... 20? 21?.. when i got my first full weave (by full i mean, there was almost no hair out... not the completely full weave) thanks to my aunties bridget and dana, the weave queens, i weaved it up nonstop for months... then i decided to try it on my own and the rest was history.... i was like kanye west cuz u couldn't tell me NUTHIN!
when i started dancing, the game was OVER! i was re-doing my weave all the time cuz sometimes i wanted bangs, sometimes the side-part with the swoop, curly, straight, short, long, ridiculously long... i love the option to change my hair and not have to live with the decision passed the moment i change my mind about it.
so, apparently, having a weave, and being super open about it with ppl, made them think that i had no hair.... or bad hair. (when i say bad hair, what i mean is typical negro hair, altho that hair isn't really bad, it's just not considered to be awesome by all) anyway, i don't... have any of u looked at me? (rhetorical question... just read) my hair looks exactly how u would imagine someone with my features and skin tone's hair would look...
ok, so, anyway, i don't get offended by this because i realize that ppl r just starting to understand that a weave isn't always gotten because a woman feels the need to cover up a monstrosity on top of her head.... it's actually a good way to give ur hair a break from the everyday styling and a way to temporarily change ur look (for those of u who still hadn't figured it out)
my question above "to weave or not to weave"... i'm asking because it seems that when u have "nice hair" u get the most negative feedback when u say u want a/ another weave.... um... so since u like my hair natural, i'm supposed to keep it that way... oh, ok.... NO! and i ask "is that even a question?" because, y is this something up for discussion... when i say "i want a weave." the responses that i will accept as appropriate are as follows "then get a weave bitch!", "ooh! how r u gonna get it done?", "me too!", "when r u gonna do it?" and also "oh, i liked it when u had ur hair like ____"
does this make sense? i don't want a weave because i hate my hair, i want a weave cuz i refuse to straighten, curl and cut my hair to achieve looks that i know i will tire of in about a month... maybe less. also, sometimes i want longer hair... can't do that over night.
in closing, if a friend/ relative of urs says that they want a weave, don't discourage them with talk of how their real hair is great, THEY KNOW THAT! help them decide on a length, color and style and enjoy... thank u!

When You're young and "In Love"

First off, I added the " " not because young love isn't real, but often times it ends up not being the real thing.... so anyhoo....
A lot of ppl feel that when u truly love someone that u can totally be yourself and don't have to worry about judgment or trying to impress them... as a female, i know that, especially when you're young, it's kind of the opposite. When u really love someone and want it to be forever, u become a little more self-conscious and a lot more aware of the things that they want, need and like. (not saying that men can't be like this, but i can only speak for myself.... and i'm a girl so...) It becomes the daily ritual to assure the man that we love that he can TOTALLY be himself... even if some stuff gets on our nerves...
I'm talking about this because what i've always known about myself is that, although i can eat sloppily, drool/ snore in a heavy sleep, shit with the door cracked, pee, snort and wash my ass in front of my husband, there r still some things that i have just a little reservation about (and it's been almost 10 years)... the truth is that he's THE ONLY ONE that i don't want to have a negative opinion about me, and the things that i would eventually do just to do in front of other ppl, i get so shy doing around him. for instance... i love to dance, but it took a little while for us to even go anywhere that we could dance together so, even tho i will dance with him all night, it takes a little coaxing to get me onto the dance floor and actually get into it... i'm always wondering what i look like to him and if he's secretly laughing at me... dumb, i know.
also, i can sing... SOOOPRIIISE!!!... yea, i have a pretty good singing voice and i actually don't share that very often, however, i have sang for/ with ppl (girlfriends and wannabe producers)when i was younger and i've even recorded a song... that i will never expose even tho my dad still has the cd (ugh!). i've never sang for my husband... I KNOW I KNOW! i'm a total ass.. but he's my everything and if he told me that i couldn't sing or if i messed up and hit a wrong note while i sang for him i'd be sad and embarrassed for the rest of our lives....stupid, but true. so sometimes i make plans to sing for him, but i never tell him cuz then he'll hold me to it. i have decided that when we have our real big wedding with family and friends, that i'll sing to him then.... or i'll record a song... idk! it's the one thing that i will have a major melt down over....
another thing that i used to have an issue with being totally open about was sex... i LOVE sex! but being as sexual as i can be (which is pretty serious) used to be a little embarrassing for me as well... i would rather wait until he made a move then to just dive right in... not so much now... he's the only person that i can't get enough of... like, everything about him turns me on and i'm so not afraid to just rush him. LMAO! shhhhhh

what i'm getting at is this, we should all be ourselves and let out all of our talents, fears and desires with our partners. and not just the partner that's gonna be gone in the morning... we (ladies) even at a young age should own ourselves and know that if a man has fallen for us, then there's nothing to worry about... if he laughs at u or makes a funny face SO WHAT! ur giving him u!.. and he'll more than likely love it. SO DANCE! even if u can't dance very well, just move with him if he wants to move with u... SING! even if ur afraid being off key... cuz he probably won't tell u if u sound bad, and if he does, then u guys can sing badly together... and OPEN UP! if u want to be taken advantage of, if u want to take control, if u want to be kissed all over, if u want to switch positions... SAY IT!... IT'S U!.... AND HE'LL LOVE U JUST AS MUCH AS HE DID WHEN U WERE STANDING IN THE CORNER, LIP SINGING AND PLAYING HARD TO GET.... LMAO!

THIS ONE IS SILLY TO ME...

Question.......

What do u do when you feel like you're gong to break? When you feel like you seriously may lose your mind? When you're a good person and bad things seem to be the only way?...

Pray?.... Is it wrong to pray when there's a need, if you didn't pray before? Not just talking about personal prayer, but prayer for others as well. Does prayer work when you pray for someone whom you rarely even think about or hardly know, just because they've asked you to? Is saying "thank you" to God, when you realize what you have, taken seriously even when it's not done everyday? Does not saying it everyday bring on bad things?
Why is fear so paralyzing? Why does risk invoke fear? Is the fear of falling/ failing justified when your failure effects more than just you? When is it right to be selfish? When is it right to ask someone to be selfless? Why do people pretend that they care, even though they could care less?...

I am completely and utterly exhausted with being asked "how r u doing?" or "how's everything?" from people who are just asking to be polite.... politeness isn't really that enjoyable for me... it's actually kind of annoying and sickening. so it's rude to see someone and just say hello? how about when someone knows that you're having a hard time or a bad day and still acts concerned, although their true thought is how they can get you to act differently for their benefit? what's that? leave me alone...

when you are the cause of my problem, i do not expect you to pretend that i'm out of line for not faking the funk and acting like i enjoy seeing your face. i don't, you know it, and i cannot help but show it. i'm sick... SICK of coming here, day in and day out and (having been told before that i must pretend to be happy because that's a part of my job) smiling in the faces of the most phony, dishonest and self-righteous people i've ever had the horror of surrounding myself with... only to be ensured that i not only don't belong here,(idk how u do it M.P.) but i'm pretty much just coming here for the internet usage and air conditioning... oh, and don't let me forget the constant reminder of who's boss. (what happened to asking ppl for things btw, not just blurting out orders?)

oh my jeez.....

ok, so i cannot not write about this because, quite frankly, it's starting to piss me off.
so there's this whole thing about this reporter, Ines Sainz, being sexually harassed by some of the NY Jets team members during a locker room interview.
now, the question that is being asked is "was she dressed appropriately for an interview in an NFL locker room?"..... well i have some questions:

1) y was how she dressed ok, until it was in a locker room?
2) y is how she was dressed an excuse for a group of grown men to act childish and harass her? (if she was, in fact harassed... it's not official yet)
3) how is it ok for ppl to say "she was asking for it..." and "she should have known..."
4)y? y should she have known that grown men, who have seen a woman before, wouldn't have been able to handle answering questions from a woman in tight jeans?

some may disagree with me, but this is no different from the times that women who wore short skirts or low-cut shirts were told it was their own fault that they were raped or assaulted. if this woman is going to be told anything about her attire on the job, it should be done by her superiors and in an appropriate manner ex: "business attire when conducting all interviews.." she shouldn't have to deal with men CHOOSING not to have enough respect for another person or themselves to just do or decline an interview.

if i'm wrong about this (which i'm not) sorry, it's my opinion.. but i cannot sit here and read all these statements telling this girl that she deserved to be treated with any amount of disrespect for wearing anything... let alone, her street clothes on an interview. SHE IS A HUMAN BEING before anything...i don't care who u are... u don't have the right to treat her as anything otherwise.

ok, now i'm ready

about a month (maybe less) ago, i had this whole itch to be in motion and i was not into the idea of not doing anything just because i'm pregnant. i'm relatively independent so i really don't like the idea of having someone else handle the things that i'm perfectly capable of handling myself. anyhooo... the days/ weeks have gone by and i am now ready to just stop... i'm realizing now that in order to be the kind of mother and wife that i want to be, i need more time at home. i feel a little weird and a bit like an asshole because i bitched about not getting enough hours at my job when i had to quit my night job at the club (nobody wants dances from pregnant girls). they gave me the hours and i instantly went into a depression because in order to work the whole day i had to send my son to his grandparents' houses for the week (they live an hour away, so dropping and pick him up was not an option). that's when i first realized that i really didn't want to be a working mother. i feel like i'm not a real mom if i'm just going to work while someone else takes care of my child... my son needs to be home and he needs me to be there. soon he's gonna be older and have friends and places to go and he's totally not going to care if i'm at home or not... i have to take advantage and enjoy these days... so anyway, he started kindergarten!!! yay!!!! he gets off at 2pm and my husband has to be at work at 2.... what to do? we only have one car, so it's been decided that i will get off work early and take him to work way before he needs to be there so i can pick my son up from school on time... so far, it's not a big deal... but what about my job? i'd have to only work about 3.5 hours a day for this to work and not only does that leave me with a lot less money, but it leaves them without a receptionist for about 4.5 hours a day. to be honest, i'm more concerned with the smaller check and the fact that this seems to be the lead into me not having a job at all.
BUT IT'S WHAT I WANT! it's like this... i know money is important, and i have to be able to support my family, but i am totally obsessed and in love with being a stay-at-home mother.... i always have been. and it's my fault that i don't have the ability to just jump into that roll, but i so want to be the mother that's able to be 110% involved and present... i'm not (and i mean this) going to leave my new baby with anyone so i can go to work... i stayed at home with my son for the first year and a half of his life and i want nothing less for my new baby. i know, it sounds really selfish and just makes me look like this asshole, but i'm totally serious about being the mom that i want to be and that means being at home. i want to be that woman who maintains the house work, the kids and their needs and the cooking... i want to be the soccer mom, the wonder woman of the house... it's honestly not the easiest job, but it's one of those things that isn't like work because i love it so much! i love being at home with my son and cleaning the house and watching nick jr (even when i want to be watching the kardashians) and making sure dinner is ready when my husband gets home and that the house looks nice... that's my dream! it's been my dream since i was a kid.... i've gone thru the "i wanna be this..." or "i wanna do that..." career nonsense but the only dream, the only job that i've ever had that didn't fade was being a stay-at-home mom. being able to really raise my kids, not work all day and try to fit some parenting in in the 3 or 4 hours before they have to go to bed.... it seems like i'm asking for too much tho... it seems like... like me working 2 jobs and spending no real time at home is fine but to ask for the tables to turn is just too much.... *tears* i really want this... like i really REALLY want this and i can't help but sink into the same thought process that i did before and feel like i'm never going to get it. or by the time it does happen, my kids will be older and the time will be gone. what am i supposed to do about that?

DOUCHE WITH A JEW FRO

ok, so the last post was about a short little douche who came in and was rude to me and just very... douche-tastic. so he was supposed to come in yesterday to meet with my bosses to discuss some investing (in other words, give our company some of the "billions" he has).... but he rescheduled for today.... today rolls around and he reschedules again... only this time, one of my bosses has been informed that the self-important "billionaire" has asked to borrow money from, not one, but 2 different ppl that we r connected with...
WHOOPS!!! SOMEBODY'S NOT WHO THEY SAID THEY R! FUCKIN SHORT ASS, CURLY HAIRED ASS, LITTLE DICK HAVING ASS, OVER COMPENSATING ASS, RUDE ASS, GETTIN LOST WITH A STATE OF THE ART GPS SYSTEM ASS, LOSER ASS, MONEY BORROWING ASS, KHAKI PANTS AND LOAFERS WITH NO SOCKS WEARIN ASS MUTHA FUCKA!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
WOOOO SAAAAH! THAT FELT GOOD. LMAO!

i'm either gonna pull my hair out, or i'm gonna punch this guy in the throat!!!!

so, i work for a guy that can be a total tool, but i guess that's the bright side of my day since we had the biggest douche in the world come in today. ok, so, my bad, i don't know bake pkwy like the back of my hand and all i know is that u head away from the freeway to get to our street... so douche back with a curly jew fro gets lost and i guide them the wrong way because, they've already passed our street, then when they call back they say "well the navigation has us coming back down the way we were coming".... I'm sorry, did u just say navigation? so y the fuck r u calling and asking me where to go?
so they finally get here and he walks in, looks at me and says "i was expecting a blond to be sitting here, but no..." (in other words, i'm so dumb for not being able to guide the guy who has navigation and just says "we're on bake heading toward the freeway" that i must be a blond).... ooooookay. so my bosses (all of them) apologize to him (totally ignoring the underhanded insult... cuz who am i, right?) and he says "oh i have a porche so we have fun just riding around so it's fine..." so y do i deserve the insult?... anyhoo
then douche bag with a jew fro does the typical bragging about his connections, his money and the book he wrote yada yada yada... hands one of my bosses a card.... and does the inevitable talking shit about obama that i've noticed all older white guys do "this dumbass...." but as he starts that awesome conversation, he pauses, looks right at me and says "oh, i'm sorry, u probably voted for the guy"... um.... y do u say that? could it be that i'm black?.... just because ur a huge douche with a jew fro... i'm gonna go with yes, that is y u felt the need to throw that out there instead of continuing ur conversation like a normal person.
more about obama and how "bush was bad, but this guy...." i'm not political at all so i could care less about what's said about a guy i don't know... i also haven't been very effected by these so called "dumb" decisions made by the current pres, so whatever.
also, douche bag with a jew fro decided to throw a jab at one of my bosses... he was talking about his awesome book and how he'll give my boss a copy and my boss says "well i'll go to the book store right now and pick one up. u can sign it before u leave" this is a joke, he was chuckling as he said it.... so douche bag with a jew fro says "uh, it's $160 book, u better just let me give u a copy" with that look that says "i'm sure u can't afford to spend that kind of money on a book"....
i was like wow! this guy must have the smallest penis in the world!!!
seriously, i wanna punch this guy in the throat
btw, the other man, the one that came in with douche bag with a jew fro, seemed to be a pretty nice guy.

I got a dollar sixty on the gas..... whatchu got?

so i get dropped at work by my husband and picked up when he gets off work... well today, he left the house without any money... and since i don't allow myself to carry cash because i WILL find a way to spend it, that leaves us with zero dollars for this ride home.... no biggie right? WRONG! after his drive to work, the gas tank is damn near empty, so he's hoping to make it to my job at least.
he called and told me what was going on so i did what any girl would do... i searched my purse for the loose change that i often toss into it.... i found 5 quarters, 3 dimes and a nickel....
I GOT A DOLLAR SIXTY ON THE GAS......

How to Get A Perfect Butt Workout Tutorial

OK, SO I'M TOTALLY TOO PREGNANT TO DO THIS AND I WILL ALWAYS DO MY POLE WORK TO MAINTAIN MY BODY..... BUT I AM DEFINITELY ADDING THIS TO MY ROUTINE! ESP WHEN I FIRST AM ABLE TO WORK OUT AND TOO SCARED TO DO TOO MANY TRICKS!

MATERNITY SHOOT #1!!!!

so i decided that the best way to convince myself that i'm still super hot was to have super hot maternity photos taken... good idea?... great idea.
so i'm too broke to pay some random photog to do this for me so i rely on those who r trying to add to their portfolio, and who knows? maybe these will look great in mine as well... i recently started getting a lot of messages on my model mayhem page (on which i have no pregnancy photos but have very specifically stated on my profile that i am pregnant and will be looking to do any maternity shoots).... that being said i get a billion messages from ppl wanting to shoot with me..... but none of them r reading the part where i totally don't look the same as i used to. ps: where were these bastards when i was skinny and ready???
so after 2 guys turned out to be registered sex offenders (do ur research ladies!) and one asked me, the night before our scheduled shoot, if i could pick him up because his girlfriend took his car (really?.....no) i finally got in contact with a photographer who actually DOES maternity and really wanted to have a shoot with me! yay!!!! so we keep in touch as i get bigger to make sure i don't get too far along and don't want anyone looking at me, no less taking my picture. and we landed on sunday, august 29th...
August 29th!!!!
the day rolls around and i'm totally scatter brained cuz i haven't had a shoot in a while and i'm super self-conscious about my body at the moment... but the best part? i'm fucking pregnant! there's no starving myself for the 3 days before my shoot, there's no working out to make sure i don't have cottage cheese and there's no sucking it in! wheeeew! bring it on!..... that leaves my hair and makeup.... no biggie, i totally got this.
so i install the quickest weave ever in life (real hair braided, weave sewn in and styled in 2.5 hours... BAM!) and i think about what i want my makeup to look like and for some reason, i actually pulled it off! i couldn't help but obsess over myself in the mirror for a good 2 to 3 minutes before i left and what?..... still got there about 15 or 20 minutes early!!!! (that's major for me) the shots, i believe came out amazing and i totally can't wait to see them!
so, recap: perfect body for the shoot? Bam! hair done quickly and flawlessly? Pow! makeup looking professional? Bang! and an awesome shoot that consisted of my photog saying repeatedly that i looked gorgeous (and not in a pervy way)? DING DING DING!!!!! THE BEST PHOTO SHOOT DAY EVER!!!!!
so i'm still waiting for the final shots and whatnot, but i took some photos with my fone cuz let's face it, i'm super vain.... sometimes? anyhoooo here they r!