hmmm

y r ppl so afraid to say what they really feel to ppl who they'd like to keep in their lives? in other words, y is it, that ppl can be rude or just straight forward with strangers, but when it comes to a friend or business partner acting an ass, ppl tend to tense up and keep their thoughts to themselves... or to just express their frustrations to others? is it fear? is it fear that the person who's blatantly showing their ass will take too much offense and possibly be unable or unwilling to hear it, take it, and let go? if u feel like someone who is important to u will hold a grudge against u for feeling a certain way, then... y r they so important to u? i mean, who wants to have someone around who u constantly have to tell urself and others "that's just so and so..." or "he's really not a bad guy deep down.." what's so awesome about a person whose everyday behavior is so off-putting that u have to bite ur tounge in order to get along with them? i understand that we r supposed to let ppl be who they r, but r we supposed to let ppl treat us with disrespect or disregard for our feelings while doing so? when weighing the pros and cons of a relationship, being completely disgusted by a person's personality would have to outweigh a ton of pros right?.... that's just my opinion. and trust me, i understand that it's not always as easy as it sounds... sometimes it's a friend u've had for ur whole life, or it's someone u'll have to do business or work with for an indefinite period of time or maybe it's someone ur related to and u really can see the positive side of this person... but when it gets to the point where the sound of their voice begins to make ur skin crawl or their presence makes u uneasy before actual contact, maybe it's time to move on.... with that being said, i believe that when u have patience with life and deal with the things that u cannot change, u will be rewarded with an escape route... but in the time that u r exercising this patience, u may feel like ur being punished.

Sometimes.....

every once in a while i tend to day-dream... sometimes it's not exactly when i should be allowing my mind to wander, like in the middle of an important conversation or while driving... anyhooo... one of my favorite day dreams is when i'm listening to music and i just drift of into thoughts of dancing... i LOVE to dance... i know some ppl don't think of what i do as real dancing and it's not exactly what u'd do on the dance floor at the club (i love going regular dancing as well... so fun!) but it's something that i actually feel my way thru. i used to think it was the drugs/ alcohol that made the music more than music on stage, but when i started dancing sober i realized that some songs can just make me wanna zone out. to move with a beat in a graceful way feels sooo good and it makes me feel free. to find a melody within a melody and make your body mimic its pattern is like nothing else... ok, i sound like a total tweaker right now, but seriously, it's such an awesome feeling. now that i'm all large and in charge, it's kind of impossible to decide to just go to work and dance... nobody wants that, and for those that do... eww. but until i can, i sit at my desk at work and listen to songs that i'd normally or would love to dance to and sometimes i catch myself swaying my head or closing my eyes as if i were in the middle of a set.... simply put...

Sometimes, i just feel like dancing

To the ladies.....

listen up... how about we stop bashing each other huh? i mean, it's inevitable that ppl r gonna do stupid things, but let's be real, we've ALL done some dumb shit in our lives. whether it was the way we treated someone or the way we treated ourselves. in other words, who am i to call a girl a dumb bitch for being stupid over some guy when i've been stupid over a guy before? who am i to call a girl stupid for not treating herself with the utmost respect when i've been guilty of the same thing? we're all still learning and the best thing to do is to give a girl some positive when she's throwing out a lot of negative.... the lesson gets learned faster and she's less likely to return the ill-wishes and unproductive thoughts.... just a thought for u all out there that spend ur days saying how dumb another bitch is as if u haven't been a dumb bitch ur damn self.

yours truly,
a former dumb bitch.

Where did the weight go???... Oh wait... yea, there it is!

ok, so i was looking at my legs (mainly my thighs) yesterday and i realized something... THAT'S WHERE ALL THIS WEIGHT WENT! i've been wondering how i could have gained ___ pounds and still not be done, but now i see!... my thighs r waaaay bigger than they were. they used to not touch at all, and now they're constantly making out with each other and i'm sure i should put one of them on birth control cuz it's starting to get serious.... also, my upper body has decided to enlarge itself.... i thought, at first, that it was just my awesome boobs coming back, but now i see that my upper arms have decided that they didn't wanna get left out of the mix and now they're starting to look like my grandma's (insider/ my grandma on my mom's side along with most of the women on her side tend to gain weight in their upper arms) so anyway... while i'm over here thinking "holy shit i'm a fuckin swoll up cow!... i look like the chickens that tried to pass for foster farms but got too plumped up!" (i totally thought that... love those commercials!) daddy tells me that i look like i could have another month left... how sweet is that?.... but what can i expect from my husband? i basically bash myself on a daily basis and then, even tho i think i look terrible, get butt ass naked and ask him if i look bad... what's he gonna say? "yea babe, u look like shit" ? no!... actually, that usually leads to things that i'll choose not to mention here, but i know u know what i mean. so anyhooo... where was i? oh yea! i totally figured out that even tho i'm smaller than i was with my first kid, i can see that my hips and thighs have decided to hold onto all of the fantastic things that i've been eating this past 9 months.... i'm too heavy to get on my pole so i'm just waiting to drop this guy and whenever the doc says that i can exercise, i'm going at it again and hopefully i won't feel like a total loser when i start this workout cuz well, that just wouldn't be cool... so yea, thighs r y i've gained ____ pounds and i'm gonna get them under control... later. time for mac and cheese!

ps: this is what u get when i'm bored and able to study all aspects of this growing body of mine. thanks for reading

Sesame Street = Awesome..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz5nlr8oujA

How absolutely awesome is this?!?! now, growing up in L.A. and then Rialto, i didn't have the issue of wondering y my hair wasn't straight... i grew up around a lot of black, mixed and latina girls so hair like mine didn't stir up any questions of "Y...?" the most i ever got was "you got good hair..." or "what r u mixed with?" however, for a young girl who lives around mostly white or just non-black ppl, there may be some confusion or even envy over the hair that her friends have as opposed to the hair that's sprouting from her scalp. there's absolutely nothing wrong with "nappy", "kinky", "course" hair... but try telling that to a girl who is the only one she sees with it... i think the issue comes about when girls r young because, for the most part, they're not getting perms and relaxers and they definitely aren't rockin weaves. so they see older black/ curly-haired women and think that they r among the "lucky" who happen to have long and silky hair....
idk, once more, this was never an issue for me and i didn't know of anyone who was secretly wondering y she didn't have straight hair... little girls rocked perms with no problems and parents weren't opposed to putting braids in their daughters' hair, gel was a must for those whose hair didn't all fit into a ponytail and the styling of hair was pretty advanced for girls in elementary and went slightly further than just a ponytail or a bun... braids, baby hair, multiple ponytails, twists, waterfalls and swooped bangs were a part of everyday life....
well i saw the story about this song on Sesame Street and i just fell in love with it... Joey Mazzarino, the head writer for Sesame Street is white and so is his wife. their daughter, however, is Ethiopian and rocks a natural... she's young and her hair looks adorable, but in her eyes, there's something wrong with it. she would ask her parents y her hair isn't blond, or straight or long like her mother's... this coming from a young girl to her parents who had no idea that THIS would even be an issue was a bit unsettling for her father... so what did he do? he thought about the absolutely obvious possibility that maybe this issue went beyond his little girl and how he could address it.... wait.. oh yea, i write for Sesame Street... NEW CHARACTER!!!! so he comes up with this new character "Claire" and she sings the song "I Love My Hair"! it's a great song, simple and addresses all the different styles that are easy and common for a young black girl to wear. the singer is a little girl named Chauncey Johnson, who starred in Broadway's the Lion King and the puppeteer is Kevin Clash, the man behind Elmo. the song is so cute and the message is similar to that of India Arie's "I am not my hair": it's supposed to teach girls to love what they have no matter what and to appreciate their curly or course locks just as much as they'd appreciate a head full of long straight hair. a great message all around and i had to put my 2 cents in and say KUDOS to Sesame Street for this!

i like it where ever it is when i put it down.....

so, i had to google this whole "i like it...." business i've been seeing on facebook and found out that it's a new thing to raise awareness for breast cancer... i'm lost.
so it says that the "i like it..." is supposed to be completed with the location that ladies like to keep their purse... wait.. what?
and then when u ask a lady what she's talking about (because of course the mind goes one place and one place only when u see something like "i like it on the kitchen counter" as someone's status update) she is to respond "i can't tell u".... wait... what? one more time...
this is supposed to raise awareness for breast cancer and what? r they relying completely on the possibility that everyone is gonna be a google fiend like me and just look it up? that's not how things work, and it's been going on for about a week, that i've seen and i was totally not becoming aware by the status updates.... so.... yea, maybe they should just do the obvious and have random important statistics that ppl can post... but what do i know? i was already aware of breast cancer before i found out that my cousin likes to keep her purse on the kitchen counter....

gonna get personal for a hot second...

i was lucky enough to find the love of my life at 15 years old and i totally knew he was the one, the first day that we had contact. something was just..... idk there was something about him that made me feel like we were connected already. we fell in love with each other very quickly... we'd only been together for about 2 months when he said that he loved me. i lost my virginity to him with no reservations after 9 months of being together. of course, my parents didn't approve of this at all. (they didn't know about the sex) they were not so into the idea of me having a boyfriend in the first place, let alone an 18 year old... whatever. i basically said a big fuck u and stayed with him no matter what they said. i knew we were supposed to be together. it came down to me graduating and putting my parents in the position to have to accept the fact that i was in love and not just messing around with this guy. we had our son when i was 19 and, although he was the best thing to happen to us, it didn't make dealing with our issues easier. i became obsessed with only caring about my son and then myself and making the love of my life know that i didn't need him and that i wouldn't settle for less than his everything (which i felt he wasn't giving me). we got married when i was 21 and thought that this would help us become closer because we knew that we were meant to be together... we eventually split up when i realized that i really didn't feel the same. i still loved him... but i didn't feel like being with him was good for me. i felt like i was sad and hurt all of the time and it made me resent him because i told him how i was feeling and saw no change.... i felt like he didn't care enough... like he figured that i wasn't going anywhere, so he didn't need to try... so we split up.... i spent the time that we were not a couple in a different state of mind. i drank all day almost everyday, i smoked more than i ever had (cigarettes and weed) and i even started taking pills (pain killers) for the extra high.... i felt like i was so much better off, so much happier... hanging out with "friends" who encouraged my behavior and i even thought that that was what single life was.... i can barely remember that year. i remember names... some faces... some days... some nights... but most of it was a blur. the half of the week that i had my son was my time of clarity... and i spent that time trying to get away from the fact that it was just us at home. we went to the park all the time, did laundry, walked the mall, went to the beach... anything that kept us out of the house.... i still didn't think i was hurt... even tho i cried almost everyday. i wondered what was wrong with me... why was it that he could make changes and be who i wanted him to be... without me. the only guy that i took slightly seriously during this break was a rebound... i "loved" him.. but not enough to do anything for him, to treat him like he was special, to talk to openly... to make time for.... he used to tell me that i didn't care and i would argue that i was just not an emotional person... but that wasn't true... my heart just didn't really belong to him and even i didn't have it. it wasn't like he was a great guy... he talked to me like i was dumb, he knocked everything that i did, he basically told me i was going to hell every chance he got... along with other issues... he was actually bad for me. i stayed intoxicated around him and was rarely sober enough to realize that i actually couldn't stand him... it was just nice to feel like someone wanted to be with me... how lame is that?... i started to push him away even more... i told him things that weren't true and made me sound like a terrible person... i basically trashed my character, and he eventually stopped wanting to be around me as much... it was a relief for me, but it still didn't like feeling like i was being rejected... idk how that makes sense... but when we stopped talking, it didn't hurt... i didn't think about him until he'd message me and even then it wasn't a miss, it was more like a "oh yea, hey!"... i couldn't figure out who i was and what i was supposed to be or to be doing and that scared the shit out me. the only thing that i ever felt confident about was that i was a good mother. i loved my son and i loved just being home with him and as soon as he left for his dad's house, i'd start drinking, smoking, crying, plan for going out to party and work non-stop.... eventually i stopped drinking during the day so much and started smoking more.... i started to realize that i missed him... my love... i realized that i wasn't happy without him... that i wasn't really better off. the more time i spent around him, the more i saw a difference in him. but i wasn't sure of what that meant... did that mean that he was better off without me? did i hurt myself and do him a favor? and once more it went back to, what was wrong with me that he couldn't be this awesome guy for me? my self-worth was totally down and fucked up. he turned into the only guy who could make me smile... the only person who i felt like me around instead of having to put on a smile and be fun.... i really felt this way. when we got back together i made a promise to myself that i'd never leave him again and i'd be so great that he couldn't leave me... but i feared everyday that he would one day tell me that he was leaving me. or that he only came back because of my son and not me. i've only recently gotten over that... like within the last couple of months, i've stopped wondering if he really was in love with me. we're having our second son and i'm an emotional wreck... my hormones r making me happy, sad, angry, irritable, insecure and he's right there trying his best to turn those feelings around and i couldn't be more thankful... i have huge regrets about ever letting him go... but i keep thinking that we wouldn't be as close and happy now had we tried to stick it out... i don't know how i lived without him... but i totally have to say both thank u and fuck u to drugs and alcohol... without it, i would have had more panic attacks than i had and i would have been even more depressed.... i wouldn't have been able to fake it as well as i did.
i feel like i got a little too personal on this one....

a letter.... to my boobs. hahahahaha!

i remember the first time we got together... it was pure magic to me. i couldn't believe u had come into my life and i wanted to hold u here forever. the months passed by and soon u were starting to fade... and then.... u left me. i thought of other alternatives to have u back, but i knew that nothing would compare to what we had had.
oh how i missed u... i thought about u, talked about u, looked at pictures of us together and wondered would i ever have u again.
and u've come back! ur here and close to my heart again! and i feel just a little more complete... it's shallow, but i feel more whole knowing that ur here... knowing that ur close to me again makes me feel like life can go on without any sadness or pain.... but how long will u stay this time? how long before u begin to fade away from me and leave me feeling empty and incomplete? how long before i'm searching for you again?... the you that won't leave?... the you that i can always have?....
i try not to think about that. i choose to stay focused on the time that we do have together... it feels so new, yet so comfortable... i look at u and i see a complete me and i will always feel this way... even when u were gone, i never forgot how having u made me feel.

i guess since it's been almost a week, i'll go ahead and give a little account of how my showers went. yes, i said showerS i had one on saturday in my hometown and another on sunday at my actual home. so anyhoo...
shower number 1 was nice. my brother in law was so gracious as to allow us to use his home and, since i didn't want any kids there, he agreed to keep his 4 year old daughter (adorable btw) brooklyn, occupied upstairs... sweet right?.. right. so my mom and i got there about an hour before it was supposed to start and my mom and auntie (in-laws) terry had done an awesome job of decorating the place! auntie joyce came with the finishing touches (center pieces) and the place looked just adorable! i expected more ppl to show up to this shower, because it was closer to a lot of ppl who said that they would come.... not the case. there were the main ladies there that i really cared about coming and then there were a lot of no shows (not cool btw, i could have saved time, money and paper on the invitations and stamps had ppl just opted not to ask to be sent one) no hard feelings... kinda. so i made it clear on the invitations and to my moms that i was serious about there not being any children present for 2 reasons...1- i don't like other ppl's kids. and 2- if my son's not gonna be there, i don't wanna be bothered with someone else's kids. so everybody is trying to prepare me for someone to do the inevitable and bring a kid and wow, the one person i knew would do it, did. my husband's cousin brought her little boy and when someone suggested that he go upstairs with little brooklyn she has the nerve to talk about him wanting to go swimming... yea let's back track (my shower for xzavior, which was meant to be a no children affair featured a lot more kids being brought... including this bitch bringing her kid and actually changing his diaper on my mother's leather couch... yea, she's one of those bitches that has to do shit to make u wonder "who invited her?") anyway, i was determined not to be bothered by this.. i was much too cute... however, she did not get a hello, a goodbye, a thank u or even a look from me. she was invisible and so was her little boy. the shower was pretty fun still. i got to see my sister and my cousin nanie which r a pretty big deal.. my aunties tina and lisa and cousin chomey came out... a friend of mine, whom i haven't seen since maybe the 9th grade came and that was awesome. i got some nice things (only one thing from my registry: thank u josynthia!..not to be a bitch, but the registry is there for a reason) and i laughed so hard and so much!....

did i mention that i looked cute?.... yea, i did. hahahaha!
shower number 2 was a little different. i live in an apartment so i was hoping for a smaller turn out and i think it was just about the same amount of ppl, maybe 1 or 2 less. i decorated the house myself... which wasn't really fun, but at least i got some bragging rights. my mom in law had to leave early cuz she wasn't feeling well, which sucked because i know that she wasn't feeling well due to putting so much energy and effort into the showers. my mom handled the games and whatnot again and i got to see my girls!!! some ladies from the club, a friend from junior frickin high and a couple of friends from high school... my mom's work friends who have known me since i was just a baby... maybe younger. the day was nice. my mom and i made something similar to jungle juice and of course, alcohol makes any occasion more fun. i got things that i needed and were on my frickin registry... honestly, i thought that the shower at my house was slightly better...oh, and i totally looked cute.....

also, 2 of my friends were so sweet and brought me gifts for me. christy brought me a yummy smelling set from bath and body works and val brought me a gorgeous little dress that looks great on me now and i'll be able to wear after the baby.

nice! it was a really fun weekend and i'm so happy that the ppl who could make it, did. it was just wonderful.
i was so not looking forward to the showers and the ppl and it turned out awesome because there were just the ppl that mattered (plus or minus a few) i was annoyed at the bitch who had to bring her kid... just cuz i know she didn't have to. and i was sad that my sister couldn't make it to the oc shower...and my 2 best friends couldn't make it to either.... but ppl have things to do along with not being able to control mishaps so i know they would have been there, had they been able to rule the universe.
all in all, i was pleased with the outcome and i totally don't look forward to doing it again... for a while at least. lol!

never dreamed of being a champion....

in my life, since i was a kid, i've never dreamed of being a champion... never aspired to be the very best at any craft. i've wanted to be a house wife/ mom for forever (i've probably mentioned that before) and all other career interests were fine staying in my day dreams or simply being tried out.
i was a pretty weird kid... in preschool i used to day dream about breaking into song...more like music video...at school and i would totally impress the guys (totally into boys at an early age) but i realized that that was one of those things that was to remain in my head.
i got older and recorded a little and realized that my heart wasn't in singing, it was just something that seemed fun.

when i was 11- 17 i wanted to be a fashion designer and i would totally daydream about putting on fashion shows that i also walked in... but by the time it was time to make a decision on weather or not i wanted to make that my life...the desire wasn't there... i had no passion for it. i made my prom dress along with 2 of my friends' dresses and that process was pretty fun even tho it was hard work... but it kind of sealed the deal that i wasn't as into it as i should be to make a career out of it.

when i was about 12, i fell in love with cooking and wondered what it would be like to have my own diner where i knew the ppl that came in and everyone loved my place... but that faded and i just accepted that i can make whatever i want when i want and for who i want and that's way more awesome than taking orders... so i love finding new recipes and trying my own thing and that's that.

i worked twirling signs on a corner for 2 months, just because it looked fun.... it wasn't, so i stopped. (truthfully, i got flashed by some guy and it scared the shit outta me)
i worked in retail because i thought it would be fun and mellow and i realized that i absolutely hate working for ppl who choose not to even try to hear or relate to the feelings and needs of their employees... i figured maybe a smaller company wouldn't be so bad.

i worked at a gym for a little while, which was actually not bad. just checking ppl in and answering phones... but it paid so little that it really started feeling like a job... if that makes sense.

i started dancing (stripping) shortly after that (i wanted to do that since i was 14) and that was the first time i felt like i was absolutely in love with what i did for a living.... on stage. lap dances, talking to random strangers, hoping that someone won't be a waste of time or effort began to become too exhausting. if i could just go on stage and forget about everything else, it would have been the best job ever!!! i'm ok with talking to strangers... i'm not ok with pretending to be interested in them or anything they have to say, laughing at jokes that aren't funny, being ridiculously close to them for 3.5 minutes or more simply because that's what they paid for... being touched without asking to be touched. all these things r easier when ur wasted... which is how i spent the first 2 years of my doing this job... i can barely remember the first 2 years of my time there and that makes me so sad. my last and sober year i watched and listened to girls who were super drunk or on pills (some that i was "close" with) and i think about how that was me. (i was worse, to be honest) so i put a lot more interest in making my show better... i stepped up my pole tricks and was always eager to try more and i wanted my floor show to be as good as it could possibly get... i was told on numerous occasions that i was the best on stage and not to sound cocky, but i believe that i was. there were still girls that i LOVE to watch but i felt like there was something different about my show and it made me feel good..... it also effected my work ethic negatively. i didn't want to sit and talked to ppl, i didn't want to pretend to be someone that i wasn't to get a dance and truthfully, didn't want to get any dances anymore... i felt like all i wanted to do was put on a good show and i was doing that... but putting on a good show doesn't pay enough. and learning how to turn my sex appeal off was the best/ worst thing that could have happened to me... it took so much energy to turn it back on and i couldn't find one person worth turning it on for....unless i was on stage. stage became like another world. it wasn't a large stage at all, but being up there with the right song made me feel like i was performing in concert.... what's odd is that my stage performance is the most personal my dancing can get... and doing a lap dance is just hard work. anyhoo.....

i say that i never aspired to be a champion because when i reached a certain point in everything that i've done, i was ok.... i only do things to satisfy myself and with these things, i was satisfied with where i had ended....

from the outside, i'd say that i seem to be completely free of ambition... lazy... but that's not it at all. i'm a passionate person and i feel like i should be able to do the things that i'm passionate about..... but i find it difficult to find something to be/ stay passionate about...

being a wife and mother, however, i'm determined to be the best at. and no one can judge that but my guys... but it's always something that i'm striving toward. i want my sons to think i'm the best mommy all the time and i want my husband to look at me and think that he couldn't have done better... that goal is never fully reached as the days go by because there's always somewhere to improve, some way to fuck up... and i'm so determined to not let that happen... to never lose interest... to never feel like i've done it all... because i never will be done. even after my boys r grown and having their own lives, i want them to think i was the best mom that they could have had, even tho their wives are the best moms to their children. i still have to make sure that as we grow old together, that my husband looks at me and sees the same girl he fell in love with... or at least a woman that he can fall in love with over and over again. giving in to insecurity or accepting that feelings fade is not an option for me... the only option is to keep making sure that my babies know who my kings r and that my husband knows that another woman may try, but nobody will be able to love him as hard as i do... i say hard because it's more that just an amount of love, it's making that love felt every single day by doing everything he likes and then adding something he didn't know he liked onto that. i get frustrated and feel under appreciated and sometimes break down when no one is around... but that's the insecurity and the self-pity weighing on me. this is the life i chose and the job i decided that i would be the best at. the is the only thing that i've decided to be a champion at and i'm going to win... it may not be over until i'm gone, but when i am....i'm gonna feel good about what i did and how i did it.

love hurts.... or wait... it's not supposed to

i'm sitting here and talking with a friend (male) about his ex girlfriend and the different trials and ups and downs they go thru. now, he's actually super chauvinistic and is one of those guys that think that women can't be in higher positions and whatnot because they're too emotional.... which i resent, because i feel that, although women are more emotional than men in general, that doesn't mean that we are unable to be just as successful at decision making as men... but that's a whoooole different subject... kinda.
so the gist of their relationship is that he is madly in love with her... like so serious, it's almost creepy to me. but it seems that she's not quite as serious about him. like, hearing the things they go through, i'm sure she loves the guy, but she definitely doesn't want to be with him and she's totally fucking with his head because she knows that he's head over heels... they always go thru these periods of not talking, then talking, then he thinks they may work it out, then she makes it clear that that's not what she wants and it always ends up with him getting hurt because he feels like she led him on.... my take?....
she's over him but really wants to be friends and feels like it should be easy for him to just jump into the friend seat because she told him that she doesn't want anything more.... he,on the other hand, is not over her and all contact initiated by her, he takes as a sign that they somehow belong together... i've told him to just let her go for months now and he always says that he will...until he can't anymore.
so this last encounter that they've had, she has a boyfriend... she tells him about him, she makes clear that it's kind of serious and she also treats him like a friend... he gets pissy and has an attitude because he doesn't see y she'd want to be with anyone else.
my advice to him?...
just cut her off. no answering or sending texts, no random lunches, no calling on her birthday and to tell his "friend" (whom is also "friends" with this girl but actually is a total douche and i wish would just disappear from all that is life) that he doesn't wanna hear about her anymore...(because "friend" basically just rubs it in his face that this girl is hot and happy without him and is very disrespectful of the fact that, although they aren't together, this is still the woman that he's in love with... see?... douche)
he does fine when they have no contact. when they go weeks without speaking, he meets other girls, he focuses on work, he's happier and he has more swag.... then "friend" will mention her or she'll text and he falls right back into the "y does she want to be with someone else?" "what am i supposed to do?" and of course the undeniable fact that he's so in love with her.
it's tough to get over someone, but it's tougher when u keep that person as a part of your life in hopes that u don't have to get over them.... it's actually kind of sad because it's one of those situations where u wish u could just shake the love out of someone so they can see what's really happening to them... but that's not how life goes.

anyway, my closing thoughts to him were that even though he (and other men) talk shit about women being too emotional and whatnot, everyone has an emotional trigger.... and his heart is his. (i think that's with all/ most men) being seriously in love and giving your heart to someone isn't easy and to have to accept it back along with the fact that the person u love is truly done with u can make someone crazy. so, even though she lives in the same county, he should really learn to think about himself and how negatively it makes him feel to keep trying to create a positive situation... i also told him that he sounds like a woman and he needs to man up and realize that he's gonna be able to find someone better.
yea, so.... that was my morning

right quick....

there r a lot of things that irk me, especially when i'm on the road. slow drivin ass ppl, all up on my ass when u could go around ass ppl, old ass ppl, thinkin their the only ones on the road ass ppl, honkin at me after they fucked up ass ppl, not using a blinker ass ppl and also the sittin at a green light for no fuckin reason ass ppl... there's more, but that's neither here nor there. the one thing that bothers me, even when it's not effecting me at all is the fuckin pick up trucks with a back yard built on the back.... how is it not illegal to build a picket fence on the back of ur car??? they can never keep up with traffic, street or freeway, and they're usually driven by ppl who can't drive and like to do things like drive 50mph in the fast lane... i want to carry an ax with me and chop their yards down... it's just a fuckin ridiculous joke!... so yea, those r my first thoughts of the day

crazy dreams!

ok so, they say that when ur pregnant, u may have some odd dreams... well jeez lou-fuckin-weez! i had 2 super weird dreams last night that i can't even believe have alternate meanings.... they're just weird.

#1: so me, my husband and my little chickon man (5-year-old son) went to visit my little brother.... somewhere and when we got home we noticed that there was a tornado and it looked to have touched down where he was staying. so we got all upset and panicked and headed into the house but before we could make it to our door another tornado started RIGHT ABOVE US! we tried to run but first i got swept up, then my baby boy and then my husband... it felt so real! the fear i felt, the look of fear in my baby's eyes.... and all i wanted to do was be able to grab him and hold him (cuz we were obviously doomed) and i couldn't reach him.. i couldn't get to where he was and it was horrible... and then i woke up...

#2(and this starts right after i fall asleep after the last one): so my baby shower is coming up this weekend and i really am feeling like there's too much to do with too little time. the one thing (in the dream) that i seem to be concerned with is the fact that no one has said anything about making the peaches and cream cheesecake cup cakes that i sooo want!... so i decide that before i head to the saturday shower (cuz i'm having 2) i'll bake some up for myself... along with putting in a weave, doing my nails and doing my makeup... um... what am i thinking??? it takes all day and by the time i'm done it's like 8pm and i totally missed my own baby shower! i knew it was getting later and later, but i just wouldn't stop the nonsense and go! idk what that means, but i woke up shortly after i started getting shit for inviting all of these ppl out and leaving them hanging... but i did get a lot of gifts (bright side)

what the fuck am i supposed to make of these dreams?.... or am i just supposed to say fuck it and blame it on the hormones?

what i noticed about the first dream was that, not one time did i think about my unborn child.... all i could think about was getting to and holding my son... does that mean anything? i haven't met this new one yet, so maybe that's y...
and in the second dream... i was basically feeling what i feel right now: that i'm not really in the mood for a shower, let alone the things that go along with it... talking to everyone, answering questions, entertaining... yea, i've been on and off with the not feeling it for a few weeks now and then i have a dream where i basically say fuck the whole thing.. *sigh*....

LOVE.... (super random)

I'm sitting here thinking about the dynamics of a lot of relationships (between young ppl especially) that I've been able to observe up close. I've known or known of a few girls who were/ are totally in love with a guy that says that they love them as well... but have yet to truly act like it. The problem is always this:
She loves him enough to give him what he needs from her... and he loves her enough to give her what he wants to give.
I've seen a lot of girls settling for being someone's "main chick" even though they truly would like to be the only, but they have 2 problems.... 1) They want this man whom they know won't give this to them and 2) They're too comfortable, too afraid, too in love with this man (even more so than they love themselves) to drop the relationship.
Y is it that a beautiful,smart and perfectly wonderful girl feels the need to say "Fuck what i want or truly need from a partner.... I want this guy"
I'm not saying that love is wrong, and I'm definitely not saying that you should drop a man for having human faults.... But let's all be very real with ourselves here...
If ur man is worth all of your time, love, money, interest, respect, attention, affection, thoughts, mind, heart and soul.... then shouldn't u expect the same from him?
More power to the women who r completely ok with the fact that their men will never respect them enough to be faithful or at least keep it out of their faces... But these girls who bend over backward for the man that constantly displays a lack of the real love and respect that they so desire from him, and then break into tears when they think he may want to leave them... GET IT TOGETHER!... YOU WILL BE FINE!
And for those who think that this person is their soul mate, and "He just needs to get it out of his system"... then let him.. alone... and if/ when u guys r on the same page and r actually meant to be together , u will be.

Contrary to popular belief... LOVE IS ENOUGH... but u have to know what ur meaning and expectations of love are and if ur partner shares the same point of view. if not, u'll be giving the kind of love that u want and he'll be giving the kind of love that he feels is enough to keep u around.
I know, I know, this can go both ways and by all means, flip it and make this about loving and respecting urselves in a relationship guys... but the point is quite simple...
LOVE YOURSELF... KNOW HOW U WANT/ NEED TO BE LOVED... AND DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS THAN THAT LOVE... NOT EVEN FOR LOVE.

to weave or not to weave... is that even a question?

i'm totally gonna eat cheetos while i write this one... don't judge me

so, i've been wearing a weave for a while now... it started with tracks glued in which ended with me having shorter, thinner hair due to breakage... i was about.... 20? 21?.. when i got my first full weave (by full i mean, there was almost no hair out... not the completely full weave) thanks to my aunties bridget and dana, the weave queens, i weaved it up nonstop for months... then i decided to try it on my own and the rest was history.... i was like kanye west cuz u couldn't tell me NUTHIN!
when i started dancing, the game was OVER! i was re-doing my weave all the time cuz sometimes i wanted bangs, sometimes the side-part with the swoop, curly, straight, short, long, ridiculously long... i love the option to change my hair and not have to live with the decision passed the moment i change my mind about it.
so, apparently, having a weave, and being super open about it with ppl, made them think that i had no hair.... or bad hair. (when i say bad hair, what i mean is typical negro hair, altho that hair isn't really bad, it's just not considered to be awesome by all) anyway, i don't... have any of u looked at me? (rhetorical question... just read) my hair looks exactly how u would imagine someone with my features and skin tone's hair would look...
ok, so, anyway, i don't get offended by this because i realize that ppl r just starting to understand that a weave isn't always gotten because a woman feels the need to cover up a monstrosity on top of her head.... it's actually a good way to give ur hair a break from the everyday styling and a way to temporarily change ur look (for those of u who still hadn't figured it out)
my question above "to weave or not to weave"... i'm asking because it seems that when u have "nice hair" u get the most negative feedback when u say u want a/ another weave.... um... so since u like my hair natural, i'm supposed to keep it that way... oh, ok.... NO! and i ask "is that even a question?" because, y is this something up for discussion... when i say "i want a weave." the responses that i will accept as appropriate are as follows "then get a weave bitch!", "ooh! how r u gonna get it done?", "me too!", "when r u gonna do it?" and also "oh, i liked it when u had ur hair like ____"
does this make sense? i don't want a weave because i hate my hair, i want a weave cuz i refuse to straighten, curl and cut my hair to achieve looks that i know i will tire of in about a month... maybe less. also, sometimes i want longer hair... can't do that over night.
in closing, if a friend/ relative of urs says that they want a weave, don't discourage them with talk of how their real hair is great, THEY KNOW THAT! help them decide on a length, color and style and enjoy... thank u!

When You're young and "In Love"

First off, I added the " " not because young love isn't real, but often times it ends up not being the real thing.... so anyhoo....
A lot of ppl feel that when u truly love someone that u can totally be yourself and don't have to worry about judgment or trying to impress them... as a female, i know that, especially when you're young, it's kind of the opposite. When u really love someone and want it to be forever, u become a little more self-conscious and a lot more aware of the things that they want, need and like. (not saying that men can't be like this, but i can only speak for myself.... and i'm a girl so...) It becomes the daily ritual to assure the man that we love that he can TOTALLY be himself... even if some stuff gets on our nerves...
I'm talking about this because what i've always known about myself is that, although i can eat sloppily, drool/ snore in a heavy sleep, shit with the door cracked, pee, snort and wash my ass in front of my husband, there r still some things that i have just a little reservation about (and it's been almost 10 years)... the truth is that he's THE ONLY ONE that i don't want to have a negative opinion about me, and the things that i would eventually do just to do in front of other ppl, i get so shy doing around him. for instance... i love to dance, but it took a little while for us to even go anywhere that we could dance together so, even tho i will dance with him all night, it takes a little coaxing to get me onto the dance floor and actually get into it... i'm always wondering what i look like to him and if he's secretly laughing at me... dumb, i know.
also, i can sing... SOOOPRIIISE!!!... yea, i have a pretty good singing voice and i actually don't share that very often, however, i have sang for/ with ppl (girlfriends and wannabe producers)when i was younger and i've even recorded a song... that i will never expose even tho my dad still has the cd (ugh!). i've never sang for my husband... I KNOW I KNOW! i'm a total ass.. but he's my everything and if he told me that i couldn't sing or if i messed up and hit a wrong note while i sang for him i'd be sad and embarrassed for the rest of our lives....stupid, but true. so sometimes i make plans to sing for him, but i never tell him cuz then he'll hold me to it. i have decided that when we have our real big wedding with family and friends, that i'll sing to him then.... or i'll record a song... idk! it's the one thing that i will have a major melt down over....
another thing that i used to have an issue with being totally open about was sex... i LOVE sex! but being as sexual as i can be (which is pretty serious) used to be a little embarrassing for me as well... i would rather wait until he made a move then to just dive right in... not so much now... he's the only person that i can't get enough of... like, everything about him turns me on and i'm so not afraid to just rush him. LMAO! shhhhhh

what i'm getting at is this, we should all be ourselves and let out all of our talents, fears and desires with our partners. and not just the partner that's gonna be gone in the morning... we (ladies) even at a young age should own ourselves and know that if a man has fallen for us, then there's nothing to worry about... if he laughs at u or makes a funny face SO WHAT! ur giving him u!.. and he'll more than likely love it. SO DANCE! even if u can't dance very well, just move with him if he wants to move with u... SING! even if ur afraid being off key... cuz he probably won't tell u if u sound bad, and if he does, then u guys can sing badly together... and OPEN UP! if u want to be taken advantage of, if u want to take control, if u want to be kissed all over, if u want to switch positions... SAY IT!... IT'S U!.... AND HE'LL LOVE U JUST AS MUCH AS HE DID WHEN U WERE STANDING IN THE CORNER, LIP SINGING AND PLAYING HARD TO GET.... LMAO!

THIS ONE IS SILLY TO ME...

Question.......

What do u do when you feel like you're gong to break? When you feel like you seriously may lose your mind? When you're a good person and bad things seem to be the only way?...

Pray?.... Is it wrong to pray when there's a need, if you didn't pray before? Not just talking about personal prayer, but prayer for others as well. Does prayer work when you pray for someone whom you rarely even think about or hardly know, just because they've asked you to? Is saying "thank you" to God, when you realize what you have, taken seriously even when it's not done everyday? Does not saying it everyday bring on bad things?
Why is fear so paralyzing? Why does risk invoke fear? Is the fear of falling/ failing justified when your failure effects more than just you? When is it right to be selfish? When is it right to ask someone to be selfless? Why do people pretend that they care, even though they could care less?...

I am completely and utterly exhausted with being asked "how r u doing?" or "how's everything?" from people who are just asking to be polite.... politeness isn't really that enjoyable for me... it's actually kind of annoying and sickening. so it's rude to see someone and just say hello? how about when someone knows that you're having a hard time or a bad day and still acts concerned, although their true thought is how they can get you to act differently for their benefit? what's that? leave me alone...

when you are the cause of my problem, i do not expect you to pretend that i'm out of line for not faking the funk and acting like i enjoy seeing your face. i don't, you know it, and i cannot help but show it. i'm sick... SICK of coming here, day in and day out and (having been told before that i must pretend to be happy because that's a part of my job) smiling in the faces of the most phony, dishonest and self-righteous people i've ever had the horror of surrounding myself with... only to be ensured that i not only don't belong here,(idk how u do it M.P.) but i'm pretty much just coming here for the internet usage and air conditioning... oh, and don't let me forget the constant reminder of who's boss. (what happened to asking ppl for things btw, not just blurting out orders?)

oh my jeez.....

ok, so i cannot not write about this because, quite frankly, it's starting to piss me off.
so there's this whole thing about this reporter, Ines Sainz, being sexually harassed by some of the NY Jets team members during a locker room interview.
now, the question that is being asked is "was she dressed appropriately for an interview in an NFL locker room?"..... well i have some questions:

1) y was how she dressed ok, until it was in a locker room?
2) y is how she was dressed an excuse for a group of grown men to act childish and harass her? (if she was, in fact harassed... it's not official yet)
3) how is it ok for ppl to say "she was asking for it..." and "she should have known..."
4)y? y should she have known that grown men, who have seen a woman before, wouldn't have been able to handle answering questions from a woman in tight jeans?

some may disagree with me, but this is no different from the times that women who wore short skirts or low-cut shirts were told it was their own fault that they were raped or assaulted. if this woman is going to be told anything about her attire on the job, it should be done by her superiors and in an appropriate manner ex: "business attire when conducting all interviews.." she shouldn't have to deal with men CHOOSING not to have enough respect for another person or themselves to just do or decline an interview.

if i'm wrong about this (which i'm not) sorry, it's my opinion.. but i cannot sit here and read all these statements telling this girl that she deserved to be treated with any amount of disrespect for wearing anything... let alone, her street clothes on an interview. SHE IS A HUMAN BEING before anything...i don't care who u are... u don't have the right to treat her as anything otherwise.

ok, now i'm ready

about a month (maybe less) ago, i had this whole itch to be in motion and i was not into the idea of not doing anything just because i'm pregnant. i'm relatively independent so i really don't like the idea of having someone else handle the things that i'm perfectly capable of handling myself. anyhooo... the days/ weeks have gone by and i am now ready to just stop... i'm realizing now that in order to be the kind of mother and wife that i want to be, i need more time at home. i feel a little weird and a bit like an asshole because i bitched about not getting enough hours at my job when i had to quit my night job at the club (nobody wants dances from pregnant girls). they gave me the hours and i instantly went into a depression because in order to work the whole day i had to send my son to his grandparents' houses for the week (they live an hour away, so dropping and pick him up was not an option). that's when i first realized that i really didn't want to be a working mother. i feel like i'm not a real mom if i'm just going to work while someone else takes care of my child... my son needs to be home and he needs me to be there. soon he's gonna be older and have friends and places to go and he's totally not going to care if i'm at home or not... i have to take advantage and enjoy these days... so anyway, he started kindergarten!!! yay!!!! he gets off at 2pm and my husband has to be at work at 2.... what to do? we only have one car, so it's been decided that i will get off work early and take him to work way before he needs to be there so i can pick my son up from school on time... so far, it's not a big deal... but what about my job? i'd have to only work about 3.5 hours a day for this to work and not only does that leave me with a lot less money, but it leaves them without a receptionist for about 4.5 hours a day. to be honest, i'm more concerned with the smaller check and the fact that this seems to be the lead into me not having a job at all.
BUT IT'S WHAT I WANT! it's like this... i know money is important, and i have to be able to support my family, but i am totally obsessed and in love with being a stay-at-home mother.... i always have been. and it's my fault that i don't have the ability to just jump into that roll, but i so want to be the mother that's able to be 110% involved and present... i'm not (and i mean this) going to leave my new baby with anyone so i can go to work... i stayed at home with my son for the first year and a half of his life and i want nothing less for my new baby. i know, it sounds really selfish and just makes me look like this asshole, but i'm totally serious about being the mom that i want to be and that means being at home. i want to be that woman who maintains the house work, the kids and their needs and the cooking... i want to be the soccer mom, the wonder woman of the house... it's honestly not the easiest job, but it's one of those things that isn't like work because i love it so much! i love being at home with my son and cleaning the house and watching nick jr (even when i want to be watching the kardashians) and making sure dinner is ready when my husband gets home and that the house looks nice... that's my dream! it's been my dream since i was a kid.... i've gone thru the "i wanna be this..." or "i wanna do that..." career nonsense but the only dream, the only job that i've ever had that didn't fade was being a stay-at-home mom. being able to really raise my kids, not work all day and try to fit some parenting in in the 3 or 4 hours before they have to go to bed.... it seems like i'm asking for too much tho... it seems like... like me working 2 jobs and spending no real time at home is fine but to ask for the tables to turn is just too much.... *tears* i really want this... like i really REALLY want this and i can't help but sink into the same thought process that i did before and feel like i'm never going to get it. or by the time it does happen, my kids will be older and the time will be gone. what am i supposed to do about that?

DOUCHE WITH A JEW FRO

ok, so the last post was about a short little douche who came in and was rude to me and just very... douche-tastic. so he was supposed to come in yesterday to meet with my bosses to discuss some investing (in other words, give our company some of the "billions" he has).... but he rescheduled for today.... today rolls around and he reschedules again... only this time, one of my bosses has been informed that the self-important "billionaire" has asked to borrow money from, not one, but 2 different ppl that we r connected with...
WHOOPS!!! SOMEBODY'S NOT WHO THEY SAID THEY R! FUCKIN SHORT ASS, CURLY HAIRED ASS, LITTLE DICK HAVING ASS, OVER COMPENSATING ASS, RUDE ASS, GETTIN LOST WITH A STATE OF THE ART GPS SYSTEM ASS, LOSER ASS, MONEY BORROWING ASS, KHAKI PANTS AND LOAFERS WITH NO SOCKS WEARIN ASS MUTHA FUCKA!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
WOOOO SAAAAH! THAT FELT GOOD. LMAO!

i'm either gonna pull my hair out, or i'm gonna punch this guy in the throat!!!!

so, i work for a guy that can be a total tool, but i guess that's the bright side of my day since we had the biggest douche in the world come in today. ok, so, my bad, i don't know bake pkwy like the back of my hand and all i know is that u head away from the freeway to get to our street... so douche back with a curly jew fro gets lost and i guide them the wrong way because, they've already passed our street, then when they call back they say "well the navigation has us coming back down the way we were coming".... I'm sorry, did u just say navigation? so y the fuck r u calling and asking me where to go?
so they finally get here and he walks in, looks at me and says "i was expecting a blond to be sitting here, but no..." (in other words, i'm so dumb for not being able to guide the guy who has navigation and just says "we're on bake heading toward the freeway" that i must be a blond).... ooooookay. so my bosses (all of them) apologize to him (totally ignoring the underhanded insult... cuz who am i, right?) and he says "oh i have a porche so we have fun just riding around so it's fine..." so y do i deserve the insult?... anyhoo
then douche bag with a jew fro does the typical bragging about his connections, his money and the book he wrote yada yada yada... hands one of my bosses a card.... and does the inevitable talking shit about obama that i've noticed all older white guys do "this dumbass...." but as he starts that awesome conversation, he pauses, looks right at me and says "oh, i'm sorry, u probably voted for the guy"... um.... y do u say that? could it be that i'm black?.... just because ur a huge douche with a jew fro... i'm gonna go with yes, that is y u felt the need to throw that out there instead of continuing ur conversation like a normal person.
more about obama and how "bush was bad, but this guy...." i'm not political at all so i could care less about what's said about a guy i don't know... i also haven't been very effected by these so called "dumb" decisions made by the current pres, so whatever.
also, douche bag with a jew fro decided to throw a jab at one of my bosses... he was talking about his awesome book and how he'll give my boss a copy and my boss says "well i'll go to the book store right now and pick one up. u can sign it before u leave" this is a joke, he was chuckling as he said it.... so douche bag with a jew fro says "uh, it's $160 book, u better just let me give u a copy" with that look that says "i'm sure u can't afford to spend that kind of money on a book"....
i was like wow! this guy must have the smallest penis in the world!!!
seriously, i wanna punch this guy in the throat
btw, the other man, the one that came in with douche bag with a jew fro, seemed to be a pretty nice guy.

I got a dollar sixty on the gas..... whatchu got?

so i get dropped at work by my husband and picked up when he gets off work... well today, he left the house without any money... and since i don't allow myself to carry cash because i WILL find a way to spend it, that leaves us with zero dollars for this ride home.... no biggie right? WRONG! after his drive to work, the gas tank is damn near empty, so he's hoping to make it to my job at least.
he called and told me what was going on so i did what any girl would do... i searched my purse for the loose change that i often toss into it.... i found 5 quarters, 3 dimes and a nickel....
I GOT A DOLLAR SIXTY ON THE GAS......

How to Get A Perfect Butt Workout Tutorial

OK, SO I'M TOTALLY TOO PREGNANT TO DO THIS AND I WILL ALWAYS DO MY POLE WORK TO MAINTAIN MY BODY..... BUT I AM DEFINITELY ADDING THIS TO MY ROUTINE! ESP WHEN I FIRST AM ABLE TO WORK OUT AND TOO SCARED TO DO TOO MANY TRICKS!

MATERNITY SHOOT #1!!!!

so i decided that the best way to convince myself that i'm still super hot was to have super hot maternity photos taken... good idea?... great idea.
so i'm too broke to pay some random photog to do this for me so i rely on those who r trying to add to their portfolio, and who knows? maybe these will look great in mine as well... i recently started getting a lot of messages on my model mayhem page (on which i have no pregnancy photos but have very specifically stated on my profile that i am pregnant and will be looking to do any maternity shoots).... that being said i get a billion messages from ppl wanting to shoot with me..... but none of them r reading the part where i totally don't look the same as i used to. ps: where were these bastards when i was skinny and ready???
so after 2 guys turned out to be registered sex offenders (do ur research ladies!) and one asked me, the night before our scheduled shoot, if i could pick him up because his girlfriend took his car (really?.....no) i finally got in contact with a photographer who actually DOES maternity and really wanted to have a shoot with me! yay!!!! so we keep in touch as i get bigger to make sure i don't get too far along and don't want anyone looking at me, no less taking my picture. and we landed on sunday, august 29th...
August 29th!!!!
the day rolls around and i'm totally scatter brained cuz i haven't had a shoot in a while and i'm super self-conscious about my body at the moment... but the best part? i'm fucking pregnant! there's no starving myself for the 3 days before my shoot, there's no working out to make sure i don't have cottage cheese and there's no sucking it in! wheeeew! bring it on!..... that leaves my hair and makeup.... no biggie, i totally got this.
so i install the quickest weave ever in life (real hair braided, weave sewn in and styled in 2.5 hours... BAM!) and i think about what i want my makeup to look like and for some reason, i actually pulled it off! i couldn't help but obsess over myself in the mirror for a good 2 to 3 minutes before i left and what?..... still got there about 15 or 20 minutes early!!!! (that's major for me) the shots, i believe came out amazing and i totally can't wait to see them!
so, recap: perfect body for the shoot? Bam! hair done quickly and flawlessly? Pow! makeup looking professional? Bang! and an awesome shoot that consisted of my photog saying repeatedly that i looked gorgeous (and not in a pervy way)? DING DING DING!!!!! THE BEST PHOTO SHOOT DAY EVER!!!!!
so i'm still waiting for the final shots and whatnot, but i took some photos with my fone cuz let's face it, i'm super vain.... sometimes? anyhoooo here they r!

dream? nightmare?

since starting my third trimester, i've started having these dreams that feel like they're really happening, but i'm never confused about the fact that it's only a dream.
they started off with... well... "wet dreams" EWW! i don't even like calling them that. i'd rather say dreams that end with an orgasm?.... idk... these dreams were kind of fun because i haven't had one in FOREVER and they're always about my love who's actually lying right next to me so that's kinda funny.
anyhooo... this dream last night freaked me out. i dreamed that i was sitting on my bed (but not at my real house) and talking to my sister and my mom. i got up to, idk, get something to drink, and my sister says, in the most childish way "mom! cquel peed on herself!" wtf?!?! so, it wasn't pee, it was kinda bloody but not blood and we realized that i was still dripping because DING DING DING! my water had broken. now, i'm only 7 months so that freaked me out to no end. instead of knowing exactly what to do, we kind of squealed and hopped around in a panic and then came the tears... "i'm not ready yet! my house isn't ready yet!" i cried. then, while my mom and sister tried to get in contact with my husband, i decided to feel the area and felt, what i figured was, the top of the baby's head.... more panic, more crying and an honest attempt to suck it back in... but no pain. i could feel that the baby was coming, but it felt (and pardon the grossness of this) like when ur pulling a tampon out. like, i could definitely feel it, but it didn't hurt at all. so yea, the dream ended there. no baby, not even a trip to the hospital....
i took from this that i'm totally spazzing out about the fact that i don't have any room in my house for a new baby. my husband tells me nonsense like "don't worry so much" and "we have plenty of room" but i'm not an idiot.... we have no room for a baby and what comes with it. AAAAAAHHHH!!! i'm way to frustrated about this!

so, this one is inspired and brought on by a good friend of mine Karis H. she asked me to watch this video and give my input, but instead of simply commenting on her fb page, i decided to write a blog. y did i decided to blog about this? because when i tried to watch the video on youtube, it was flagged and i was unable to view it. also because i was able to see the artist's response to some viewer's oppinions and she calmly stated "this video is not condoning date rape...." I'M SORRY WHAT???? yea so i found another website and viewed Kiely Williams' "Spectacular" and this is what i have to say about it:

first, i'd like to address the fact that this girl had no talent when she was in 3LW or the Cheetah Girls and she has yet to acquire any in her adult years. this was a terrible song! her voice is terrible, the beat was terrible and i overall would never want to hear it again....
no, as for the lyrical content:.... i don't see the problem. i mean, one night stands r not the best idea and especially not when ur wasted, but it's totally not uncommon. i personally had a sexual experience similar to this, i just happen to know the guy and was actually on a date with him. but all in all, i got so wasted that everything was unclear and memories of it (even still) come to me more in the form of pictures than actual moving recollections. i woke up the next morning and couldn't believe that i had passed out but could definitely remember that i had and AWESOME TIME!!! i still talked to the dude for a while after and although i chose not to have sex with him again, i sure didn't feel like he took advantage of me. i was totally consenting with all that happened that night. WHOA! i'm totally rambling again...
what i'm getting at is that this girl wrote/ performed a song about a night that a lot of girls have had. she never says a word about regretting it. she actually says that he could get it again. i mean, i don't see the issue. she thinks that ppl tripped so hard over it because she was once a cheetah girl and i agree... PPL GROW UP FOLKS! let's get it together! what i also wanna know is y it's ok for little kids to sing lyrics like "come 'ere rude boy, boy can u get it up? come 'ere rude boy, boy is it big enough? take it. take it. take it. take it. take it. take it. love it. love it!" but this girl is sending all kinds of subliminal messages of it being ok to date rape or to be date raped when it sounds to me like she's just saying that she had an awesome one night stand that she'd totally do again. is it because the other song said to "love it" as well. should Kiely have added the word love into her song and then it wouldn't have been so bad?
do ur thang Kiely..... but maybe u should stop pretending that u have musical talent.... cuz u don't.
check it out for urself, but if ur normal, i'm sure u'll agree with me
http://concreteloop.com/2010/04/music-video-kiely-williams-spectacular

kids' birthdays r expensive!

mmkay.... so my little honey bunny is turning 5 in like two seconds so my big honey bunny and i were trying to decide what was gonna be the most fun for him and the least expensive for us.... my little man's favorite place is super close to home, but so not cheap for a birthday package. so we decided to invite ppl to join him for play time there (we'd pay the kid's cover) and then we'll have food and cake after at our house which is literally down the street. it's still gonna cost a pretty penny, but much less than the cost of having a room with food and cake at the location. my question: y is it that they charge so much for a measly 20 or 30 minutes in a room for a small amount of kids? it's pretty ridiculous. and they make it so u can't bring ur own food onto their location.... but u can bring a cake? stupid. well we showed them!.... i'm just super glad that this next kid is gonna have a birthday months after his big brother. parties r expensive! lol

we got our first dog when we were kids. it's funny, because we wanted a cat. my mom made it clear, long before, that we couldn't have a dog until we had a house. well, we knew a girl in our apartments whose cat had had a litter and asked our mom if we could bring one home. she actually said yes, but about an hour or two after having the kitten in the house, she told us to take it back and we'd get a dog. that was the best!!!! we went to this place in Fontana called Elliot's Pet Emporium (idk y i remember that) and the puppies that they had there were adorable... but my mom said that she wanted a younger (smaller) puppy. the puppies at elliot's were mixed with chow and lab and were 8 weeks old. little black balls of fur. anyhoo, we went to petsmart and found out that they only adopted pets out and didn't have any puppies. well that wasn't gonna work, and since we had gotten a late start and my mom PROMISED that we'd get a dog that day, we went back to Elliot's.... my mom picked out the most quite puppy. she just sat in a corner looking at all the hyped up pups like they were stupid. she didn't seem to give a damn about "selling herself". we bought her, a leash and collar, some food and i think a bowl.
when we got home, our new dog refused to walk on a leash.... she actually wouldn't move at all. so we carried her to our house. WE HAD A DOG!!! we decided to call her ci ci.... then my mom started calling her "chow-ci"... we thought this was gay, so we started calling her Chelsea... that's her name Chelsea.
from then on, Chelsea ruled our house. she was my mom's favorite kid... because of course, she became my mother's dog more so than ours. but she was so adorable that the fact that she was an asshole didn't bother us too much. my sister would do things like put her in cabinets, the fridge, back packs, things like that... just because she was small and could fit. it used to piss me off, we were kids... it still pissed me off tho.
Chelsea was mean too. she didn't like other kids. she was one of those dogs that would snap at anyone who tried to touch her, if she didn't know them. yea, she was a hand full. she was hilarious too. she would chase her tail and scoot her butt on the ground when she was little, then when she god older, she's throw rocks or balls around and chase after them. and when she got even older, she's find gofers and possums and throw them around and chase after them.... pest control. we got another dog when she was a year old and she was a huge bully to her. Quila was an abandoned puppy and my sister and mom came across her while they were at the pet store buying Chelsea some food. some lady was hoping to be able to leave her at the pet store because someone had left Quila in the back of her truck. she was only 4weeks old and they couldn't sell her at the pet store, so my mom and sis brought her home. this really didn't sit too well with Chelsea. it took years for her to stop picking on Quila. which didn't help with Quila's issues with being timid and needing to be close to someone.
they're like sisters now. they lay around the house together, and it's actually kinda cute. they're like 2 of the golden girls. well, they're 16 and 15 years old now and Quila's still pretty active. she's not as hyper as she was and she seems to have lost her hearing, but she's still really alert....
Chelsea's not doing so well. she's had arthritis for a few years now... and it recently got so bad that she can barely walk. she can't stand herself up and she can't make it up and down even one stair. she's blind now, and when u look in her eyes, they're clouded and sad. my mom has to guide her around to her food and water, to go potty, and she has to carry her up and down the stairs. she's been sneezing a lot and her breathing has become slightly labored. she also has the occasional nose bleed. she barely eats or drinks anymore and, tho she once used to LOVE being outside, she stays glued to my mom inside.... it's breaking my mom's heart is broken and she's decided to put her down. she feels her slipping away and can't stand to see her like this. she's her baby. it's probably one of the saddest times in our lives so far and i'm really upset about it. she's the best dog ever.... i've cried a few times already and it hasn't even happened yet. i feel sad over Chelsea, i feel sad for my mom, and i feel sad for Quila. she's never known life without Chelsea, and i'm not sure if she'll be ok without her..... it's all bad right now...

change

the world is sad..... my country is sad. we r called the united states of america... UNITED states.... that's a joke. apparently, we r totally incapable of getting away from stereo types. and i don't just mean the stereo typical behavior that we continuously display, i'm also talking about the inability to look at someone and not see someone else. to look at a black woman and not see "an angry black woman" to look at a black man and not see a "thug" to look at a white person and not see a racist or a bigot.... i'm not talking about the stupid generalities like "this certain race can't drive" or " this certain race has money" i'm talking about the kind of stereo typing that causes one person to instantly lose respect for another. listening to someone complain about a specific issue and writing if off as just another angry _______ or another bitter _______.
Dr. Martin Luther King spoke of ppl seeing one another for the content of character and not for the skin color on the outside..... this was 1963.... 47 year ago ppl. we've come so far but stayed in the same vehicles. we're not supposed to be more trusting of one group than another. we're not supposed to be hateful at all. how has this escaped us? how is it that we do things like give God praise.... and then say we'll only help those who look like us, talk like us or live where we live? how is it ok for someone to used their influence to spread negativity? and how is it ok to follow that hatred, judgment and negativity as if we have no mind of our own? how well do u sleep at night with hatred in your heart? how does negative completely outweigh positive?
i'm not saying we should trust everyone, but maybe the only way to start the change of stereo types is to stop living up to them. maybe the only way to start the change is to stop repeating them. does it make sense that children have negative opinions of opposite races? ppl say that we shouldn't talk negatively about overweight ppl or ppl with disabilities or even curse in front of our children.... yet it seems not to be a problem to put down whole race groups, whole classes, whole cultures right in front of their faces.
i think the first thing that we can do to change anything is to change ourselves. change how we live life, change how we think of others. instead of judging on sight, maybe we should get to know each other. i never want my son to have an issue with a different race. i never want him to avoid talking to or playing with another kid because of how they look. it's not how i was raised and it's not how i'm going to raise him. talk more, judge less.
i know, this is a lot of rambling and jibberish, but it's the nonsense in my head today. so.... change.... or start changing.... now, today, something.

esteem, value, worth, respect.....

i recently came across a video that a man was able to record of a young man attempting to steal his bicycle. the man walks up to the youngster and asks calmly "did u just cut that lock?" instead of feeling the shame and embarrassment that the young man should have felt, he responds by telling the owner of the bicycle "you better get outta here before you get beat up."..... the man insists on calling for the many security guards to do something, or at least, call the police. they do nothing. other young men (weather they know the thief or not isn't clear) come along and try, at first, to keep the owner from being assaulted by the thief, only to not truly back him up in his rant that this young man should have to pay for his damaged lock and someone should call the police. the man's point being: it doesn't matter if he caught the thief before he could get away with the bike. the thief's point being: he could have beat the owner up and stolen the bike anyway.....

now, i feel the need to make these facts known: the thief, the security guards and all bystanders were black. the owner/ victim was not (his face is never shown, but his hands color suggests that he was some other race besides black).

this video was posted as "hilarious" and all i felt was irritated and disgusted. (i am aware that there r worse videos online and i've seen some. this one was just so easily avoided that it made me HAVE to write this.)

REALLY MUTHA FUCKA??? THIS IS HOW U REPRESENT YOURSELF? U STEAL? C'MON SON!!! YOU'RE PATHETIC!!! AND THEN WHEN U FUCK UP AND CAN'T EVEN DO SOMETHING AS LAME-BRAINED AS STEALING A BICYCLE RIGHT, U THREATEN THE OWNER? THE OWNER WHO HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BEAT THE FUCK OUTTA U BUT DECIDES INSTEAD TO VIDEO TAPE UR COMPLETE IGNORANT AND SHAMEFUL BEHAVIOR!!! REALLY??? THIS SHIT WAS SO UNENTERTAINING AND SUCH AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT KIND OF GARBAGE PEOPLE R CAPABLE OF FINDING HUMOR IN IT WAS A DISGRACE! I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!.... OH WAIT..... I COULD TOTALLY BELIEVE IT. IT'S THE LEAST OF WHAT HAPPENS ON A DAILY BASIS. WOW FOLKS, R U THAT PATHETIC? THAT BROKE? OR IS IT SOMETHING DEEPER??? I THINK SO...

This video was just a small example of the lack of self-esteem, self-value, self-worth and self-respect ppl have for themselves. and what does that do in turn? it comes out in the for of no sense of esteem, value, worth or respect for other ppl and their belongings. so sad. it's so sad that a man just wanted to ride his bike to the store and THAT couldn't go smoothly. it's sad that he was respectful in the way he addressed a criminal and got such an ugly response. and it is so sad that ppl stood around and did nothing... making comments like "a nigga coulda beat u up and taken the bike" REALLY? THAT'S ALL U HAVE? comments made about this video like "a real nigga woulda taken his bike and his camera" REALLY PPL??? i had this ultimate hope deep down that this young man would see this video and feel like the idiot he portrayed himself to be. but i knew, by the comments made and by the "hilarious" posting that he wouldn't. he, like many other fools caught on video would find some way to feel pride or satisfaction behind what he had done. calling himself a "real nigga"..... you're NOTHING sir.
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. A WASTE OF SKIN, TALENT, MONEY, BREATHE, LIFE. U R THE REASON THAT MEN, LIKE THE ONE U ATTEMPTED TO STEAL FROM WILL HAVE TROUBLE LOOKING AT ANOTHER YOUNG MAN OF YOUR COMPLEXTION AND NOT SEEING YOU. YOU R THE REASON THAT SOME MEN AND WOMEN OF YOUR COMPLEXTION DEVELOP A SELF-HATRED THAT TAKES YEARS TO CURE. YOU R THE REASON THAT THERE WILL BE MORE YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN OF YOUR COMPLEXTION THAT WILL FOLLOW THE SAME PATH... THE PATH TO BEING A "REAL NIGGA".
WHAT HAPPENED TO WANTING TO BETTER OURSELVES? (I'M NOT JUST ADDRESSING PPL OF COLOR) WHAT HAPPENED TO WANTING TO MOVE UP IN LIFE, NO MATTER HOW HARD IT MAY BE? WHAT HAPPENED TO WANTING TO SHOW OTHERS THAT, THO IT ISN'T THE EASY WAY, THE RIGHT WAY CAN BE PROSPEROUS? WHAT HAPPENED TO PPL WANTING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE, INSTEAD OF JUST A DOLLAR? I'M SO DISAPPOINTED IN US... PEOPLE I MEAN. I'M SO SAD THAT THIS IS WHO WE R. BECAUSE SOME MAY SAY THAT THIS IS BLACK PPL, BUT WE ALL KNOW THAT THERE R PPL FROM EVERY RACE AND NATIONALITY THAT BEHAVE IN THE HEARTLESS MANNER. STOP ACTING LIKE IT'S SOMEONE ELSE... IT'S ALL OF US. I'M DONE PPL. BECAUSE I KNOW I'M RIGHT AND I KNOW THAT THIS WILL GO IGNORED AND PPL WILL MOVE ON WITHOUT ANOTHER THOUGHT. ALL I ASK IS THAT WE ALL START BEING CONSCIOUS OF WHO WE ARE AND HOW WE TREAT, BOTH OURSELVES AND EACH OTHER.

racial self-consciousness

living in orange county for 2 years now, i've totally fallen in love with the weather, the beach, the atmosphere..... but one thing that grows more and more saddening is the completely self-conscious ppl here.

i've noticed that the very few black ppl that i've met here (both from here and not) r completely self-conscious about the fact that they're black. they seem to feel like it's the only thing that they should talk about. they talk about how it's so great to see more black ppl when they do, then they totally feed into black stereo types when around their white friends... (let's put that on hold for a second while i get into some of the white ppl around here)

being the only black person in a group of white ppl has never been uncomfortable for me. i'm just a person, they're just ppl... what's to talk about? well, it seems that a lot of white ppl feel like they r unable to just have regular conversation with or around a black person. for instance: does a white person who can dance say "i got moves for a white girl/ boy" to other white ppl? i don't think so. does a white person make jokes about a person liking chicken to another white person who is craving kfc or el pollo loco? more than likely not. do white ppl start naming all of the black ppl that they know or start talking about how they used to date a black person to other white ppl? no.... no they don't. do white men ask if a white girl's eyes r really a certain color or is their hair real or "extensions"? not at all. so y is it the only thing that u can think of to say to me or any other black ppl that u meet? r u under the impression that we r unable to have regular conversation? r u thinking that we're going to feel left out if u don't constantly express ur awareness that we r of a different race? well, if that's what u thought, then ur wrong. WE'S PEOPLE! c'mon son. if i gave a fuck that one of the girls u fucked a long time ago was the same color as me, then i'd ask. and if i was unaware that white ppl could dance then i'd make a comment. sorry to disappoint u but none of that impresses me. oh, and isn't the colonel white? so how come the only reason i like the chicken is cuz i'm black? oh wait, it's not. i like it cuz it's fuckin delicious. i used to be a really good sport about these things. i used to figure that it was a blind ignorance that came from under-exposure of different races. but now it's just a little old. black ppl r everywhere. stop acting brand new. and definitely stop letting me know that i'm black by attempting to talk about black things or "talk black" i speak english, fairly proper english at that. I CAN UNDERSTAND U AND UR SUBJECT MATTER. and if i can't relate, it doesn't mean that we can't hang. it means i know some different kinds of ppl. remember this when ur around black ppl. u don't need to let us know that u know ur colors. it's cool. we're good.

now, back to black. lol... i've said this before and i'd like to say it again..... WE CAN SEE U!!!!!! ppl can see ur skin and they know ur black before u start beginning sentences with "i'm black...." and "ur white....." y is it so hard for u to blend? and if u came out here to be among those u feel more comfortable around, then y make them feel so ill-at-ease around u. if a white person constantly said, "u black ppl....." there would be more than trouble. so, just be. just exist and succeed and make things happen and don't worry about the fact that some may not look at u as just a person. it's a fact that never dies. yes, when ur loud it's judged differently than the countless annoying white girls who talk equally as loud but "they're just having fun". and yes, when u have larger assets, it's downplayed because ur black and it's kinda expected. but really, when does that effect ur ability to reach ur goals? maybe closed minded white ppl can create obstacles, but i'm sure if there r as many black inventors, business men/women and leaders in the world, it's possible to get passed them. so fuck the bullshit and trying to force someone to think ur awesome.... just know u r and keep it pushin.

i think ppl r just too self-conscious. if ur a white person and ur around black ppl, u can't stop being and talking like urself because u think it'll make them more comfortable or it'll make u look more open-minded. and if ur black, leave it at that. ur skin color is not ur mind, or ur ability. it's not who u r, it's what u r. does that make sense?

character has no color and when u tie ur character to ur skin it loses it's ability to shine on its own.